A quick thank you...

Blessed. I'm just so very blessed.

Wonderful loving husband, beautiful sweet kids, a caring supportive family, and a comfortable roof over my head.

I just want to take a moment to thank God for all of the things he has blessed me with. I could have never imagined that my life could be so full of great things.

Death?

I hate feeling panicky.

Some nights, I just get this way. It creeps up on me. I was just sitting here watching television, wishing that I could fall asleep, and BAM, it hits me.

I don't know how it started, but I started thinking about what the death of a loved one would be like, and before I know it my heart is racing and pounding through my chest. I become overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and anxiety, as if it actually just happened. And then the worst part comes...the visual images I see in my mind. I see what death looks like. I see the people that I love most limp, and lifeless. I run to them, and I lift them up, and shake them. But nothing helps. There is just nothing there. They are lifeless.

I can't grasp it. I have such a horrible time grasping the idea of death. Every single aspect of it absolutely terrifies me... the fact that it's inevitable and that no one escapes it, the fact that it is irreversible, the fact that it is so permanent, the fact that it sneaks up...and the fact that it can be so slow. I can't face the idea of death. I can't handle it.

For so long, I have done so well. It used to bother me a lot as I was growing up. Then, somehow, I found a way to put it out of my mind for the most part. And I guess that made me think that I hard somehow dealt with the issue. It honestly hasn't snuck up on me like this in months and months. But tonight...it's here.

I know that this can't be healthy. I know that it probably connects to the anxiety and depression issues that I have dealt with in my life...but I just don't know how to deal. If I don't work this out, I am honestly going to go into a long term depression the first time I loose someone close to me. I am afraid that I will never make it through.

I also have a hard time dealing with my own mortality. I know that I need to find a way to deal with this. I have felt for so long that I have slowly drifted away from parts of my faith. It's so strange, because I so strongly believe that there is something out there, a God, and that he loves me, and that he creates miracles. But I so deeply struggle with the idea of an afterlife, as well as heaven and hell. I can't bring myself to believe in it strongly enough to feel comfortable with the idea that there is an afterlife, and that it is good...yet I somehow believe in it strongly enough that I am terrified of it's existence. It's all so conflicting.

I just have to pray that this is God's way of bringing me back to him...but I don't know where to start. I need to talk to someone, who can help me sort of these confusing and conflicting emotions. Then again...I don't feel like I ever really and truly drifted away from God either. None of it makes any sense.

I'm still sitting here worrying. I am worrying that the people I have been worrying about have already passed this evening because I pictured it. When I put it into words it just sounds silly...but it doesn't feel silly. I'm sorry for the rant...I just had to get it out.

So... I guess I will continue to sit here, in the middle of the night, with the lights on, and the tv turned way up, and cuddling my baby and my husband and tight as I can while they snooze...all because it makes me feel safer and more alive...and further from death?

Sometimes I forget...

Sometimes I forget that there was life before I found out that I was pregnant with Ian. Sometimes I look at pictures of myself before I got pregnant, and it looks like someone else. It all seems like a dream. I don't believe that a person should lose all ties to their old self when they become a parent, but it's funny how much you change so quickly. It seems like I wasn't complete until I found my family. I loved being young, and having independence, but nothing beats having a family that you love, and that returns that love. I have never felt so complete.

It's days like today, when my son looks into my eyes and gives me that goofy smile, and when my husband comes home and hugs me tight and tells me how much he loves me, that make me so glad that I have them. It makes everything seem brighter, and more vibrant.

Having a family makes me feel closer to God. Religion has always been a struggle for me. There are days where I wonder if I truly believe or if I simply wish to believe. I know that I want to wholeheartedly believe that there is a God out there, and most of the time I do. I guess sometimes it's all just hard for me to grasp. I wonder if it's enough to get me in to heaven. I find myself thinking about these things more and more now that I have Ian. I want to know that I will be able to have a life after this life, where I will be able to watch over him, and see him again one day, even after I'm gone. Though I still occasionally struggle with religion, Ian makes me feel like there has to be a God out there. If there wasn't...I would not be able to create something as beautiful, wonderful, sweet, and perfect as my son. My son. That my husband and I created. It's amazing.

Birth is truly a miracle, and I don't feel like that's something that you can fully understand until you experience it. I know that I surely did not understand until I gave birth to Ian. Those 15 hours were the most horrible, terrifying, painful hours of my life... but I often reflect on them as some of the most cherished memories. It's funny how things work like that.

You should check out this song. The part about "seeing a babies heartbeat on an ultrasound" makes me cry every. single. time. It's a beautiful song.



I don't want it to sound like I'm not religious... it's just that I don't buy into a lot of the hype of what it means to be a christian in modern society. To me, being a christian is about being a good person, and believing that there is a higher power, which sacrificed so that we may be here today. Christianity is not about pretending to be better than other people, and using your religion to cover up your bad choices. I feel like people all too often use "God told me to do it", or "God forgives me for what I have done", just so that they can justify the horrible things that they have done. That is not what God should be about.

Then sometimes I wonder if God would approve of me, because of the opinions that I have formed. For me, I believe that we were not put on this earth so that we can judge others. I like to think that I am not a judgemental person. I don't care about race, color, creed, religion, or anything of the support. I support gay marriage, I am pro-choice, and I believe in the freedom of religion, because I feel like it is my job as a person to love and support others, and it is God's job as a superior being to judge people. Why would I ever feel that I am in the position to judge others? I guess that's one of the major problems I have with so called "Christians" today. What makes them think that not allowing certain types of people to worship in their church is doing God's work? I thought God was all about loving your brothers and sisters.

I guess that this has started to become a rant.

Oh well, it is what it is.

Goodnight, and sleep tight.