Just because.

Just because I love you.

Just because it's been 2,358 days since you became mine.

I want you to know how much you mean to me, to us.

You are my very best friend in the whole wide world.

When something funny happens, I look forward to telling you about it.

When my heart breaks, I can lean on your shoulder.

When something brings me joy, I share some with you.

6 years, 5 months, 16 days.

Doesn't it seem funny?

Remember how we used to wonder if we'd ever just be old enough to be together?

Remember how it lay in our own beds, talking on the phone for hours at night, wondering what it would be like to wake up next to each other?

(I never take waking up next to you for granted.)

Remember riding around listening to Chris Cagle in your white Plymouth Breeze?

You've been mine for 2,358 days, or 6 years, 5 months, and 16 days .

The best of my life.

Just because I love you.

My husband is pregnant too.

Yep, that's right. I'm pretty sure that my husband is pregnant.

He's not getting any fatter, but he should be. Anyone who has spent a lot of time around Toby knows that he isn't big on sweets. He's always the one who easily says "No thanks" to cake and ice cream at birthday parties. He allows me to eat 90% of the Christmas cookies we get in December. He never orders dessert, even when we are somewhere fantastic like the cheesecake factory.

All of that has changed recently.

The man eats candy like there is no tomorrow. He comes home from works and describes (in detail) how delicious the cake they had for his co-workers birthday was, and how he was so glad that two different people accidentally brought him cake at his desk. He makes stops at Panera at lunch and buys pastries. He raves about their cinnamon crunch bagel with cream cheese. He hops in bed and night and eats truffles from a box of candy.

And yet, he is still a perfect 32x32 standing just over 6 foot tall. He's slim, slender, and somehow manages to maintain muscle tone. I don't get it.

And here I stand at 5'6 (because I have SHRANK an entire inch since before I was pregnant with Ian) and getting rounder by the day. I'm pretty sure I woke up rounder than I was last night when I went to sleep. (I wish I were joking, but I'm not...at all).

On the bright side, I think he has stolen my sweets craving. When I was pregnant with Ian I could eat an entire box of golden oreo's in two sittings. Pop Tarts called my name in my sleep. It was hard. I had gestational diabetes. Ian was born a very large baby. When I got pregnant again I was determined to keep my blood sugar in check, to count carbs from the very start, and to have a healthier pregnancy. Thus so far, the sweet cravings have been at a minimum. I haven't been "diagnosed" with diabetes yet this time, but my test is next week, and I'm going to fail. It's just a matter of time.

So, I guess I can't make fun of him too much. He's just doing his part in making sure that the baby is healthy by stealing all of my cravings.

Happy Anniversary!

Happy 2nd Anniversary Baby.

I love you.

10.25.08

This made me happy:

One week from today, we will have been married for two years.

I love you Toby Alan Starr.

Dear Husband:

Dear Husband,

You are amazing. Thank you for today, it was an awesome day. You always make me feel so loved, appreciated, and cherished. I needed today. I loved going out to dinner, just the two of us, and I loved talking (and laughing!) with you over an excellent dessert and a freshly brewed in house beer. It was our kind of date. I may have even enjoyed it more than the long back massage you gave me when we got home...maybe. Mostly, I am just glad that I have someone like you in my life. Life is such a whirlwind anymore, that I almost forgot what it was like to have a day about me. Thanks for helping me to pull myself above water today. You have no idea how much less stressed that I feel.

You are everything I could ask for in a husband, a father, and as my best friend...and then ten times more.

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.

Good luck starting your brand new position tomorrow, you deserve it baby.

Love always,

Wife

P.S. Can you believe our 2nd wedding anniversary is almost here?!

Babyless.

Tonight, I am babyless.

We went to the grocery store, and while we were there we talked with some friends and decided to get together this evening. So, since we were already in town we asked my grandparents if they would like to watch the bean. They, of course, said yes, since they spoil him rotten constantly. '

So we came home, met up with some friends and cracked open a couple of Sam Adams. We are big fans of Sam Adams, and we were particulary excited about having some Octoberfest. Then we broke into the Pumpkin Spice, which was also delicious. However, after about 2.5 beers, I was done. It's hard to be away from Ian.

It's funny how much I look forward to being able to let loose, relax, have a few drinks and have a good time. Then when it really happens...all I want to do is cuddle my Ian. I wish that he were here, even though I am sure that he is having all sorts of fun with Grandma and Grandpa. They love to spoil him, and shower him with kisses and good snacks that Mommy doesn't usually let them have. They were always my favorite people to go visit. I spent a large part of my childhood at their house, sitting on little tykes chairs around the coffee table, eating McDonalds chicken nuggets, putting on plays in the toy room, and going on late night Meijer trips with Grandma.

I also find myself regretting spending the few bits of alone time that Toby and I get. A couple of weeks ago Ian was gone for the night, and we spent the whole time together, just the two of us. I really enjoyed that. I wish that we could do more of that. I love spending time with our friends, and I truly value their friendship, but I also value my marriage. It's hard to find a nice balance you know? But I really miss spending time with just my husband. I feel like I never get to hang out with just my best friend anymore.

But...the fact is, that I love my life. I love spending the majority of time with family. Toby and Ian. All in all, I feel like I am surrounded by a lot of love, and that's great.

But...I miss my bean tonight.

Ah, romance.

My husband is completely and totally awesome. He really really is. Everyday, we are both reminded of how deciding to get married was the best decision we have ever made.

You know what's strange though? It all happened so naturally, and unromantically. By the time that we got engaged, we both already knew that it was coming, it was just a matter of when not if. We had been discussing it for a while, but we weren't in any real rush. So you wanna know how it happened?

I was browsing craiglist, looking for cute jewelry, when I came across an advertisement where someone was selling the exact engagement ring that I had been drooling over for months, for only 100.00. So, I did a bad thing. I showed Toby, and told him that he should buy it for me. We both are very frugal people, so it was an awesome thing for both of us.

He bought it. But he didn't just hand it to me. He said that he still felt like I deserved a proper proposal. So, he held on to it for a few days. Then a couple of days later, he took me outside on a nice June night. We had a picnic in the front yard with a blanket, candles, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We were laying on our backs looking up at the stars, when he sat up, looked down at me and said "Stand up." I asked "Why". And he said, "Because if you don't stand up, I can't kneel down and ask you to marry me."

The rest is history.

So last night, while we were in the car, Toby and I started talking, and we somehow got on the subject of how we got married, ect. We both agree that it's really strange that neither of us thought anything of us getting married. I know that we were pretty young to be tying the knot. Hell, I didn't even turn 19 until two days after our wedding. But not once, ever, did I think of that while I was planning our wedding. To me, it just felt right. Neither of us ever had any doubts that we made the right choice, 110%. I love that I have spent the last 2 years growing with my husband. I'm old fashioned that way, because I honestly believe that growing into the people that you will become together rather than doing it alone, and then meeting, is a beautiful thing. I'm not saying it's the only way to go, but I'm saying that it's not a bad way to go. So many people call it immature, jaded, or naive. But for us, it was just right.

I am so in love with my husband. I being with him, and I know that he feels the same way about me. I love that we support each other no matter what. I love that we very rarely argue. He makes me so happy.

I love you bee.

Our last day as childless people.

I will never forget the day that I took this photograph of Toby.

In my mind it feels like it was the last thing that we ever did when we were just us, not a family.

We were at our favorite coffee shop on a thursday afternoon. I was huge, and quite uncomfortable. I was wearing my grey maternity dress, since it was the only thing that still fit me that I looked halfway presentable in. We were so happy. Toby had a caramel apple frozen latte, and I had a German Chocolate iced coffee. I remember thinking that my blood sugar was going to pay the price...but I had been craving it for so long, so I splurged. We sat in the middle room of the coffee shop, at the little white wooden table by the window. I watched the cars go by. I remember laughing, a lot. I remember being madly in love. I remember telling the woman behind the counter that we would have a baby by the end of the weekend. But mostly I remember knowing with all of my heart that those were our last moments to ourselves. Our last moments to just be with each other before we took on the responsibilty of another life. I was so excited to meet Ian, but I wanted to cherish those last moments. The very moment I took that picture my heart was ready to explode with love... I was just so madly. deeply. insanely, in love with my husband. He had just got those new glasses, and I thought he looked so sexy in that nerdy sort of way. I remember looking at his smile and thinking that he was going to be the best dad in the whole wide world.

I am so glad that we have the beautiful family that we have today. But I will always cherish that moment.

Being Mom.

I get it.

I'm the mom.

My needs don't come first.

But does that mean that they always have to come last?

I guess I'm just having one of those days. I've been feeling nauseous since the night before last. We came out from going out with some friends, I got sick, tried to go to bed, but ended up staying up until 4 am because I felt so icky. Ian got up earlier than normal yesterday morning and I was dragging ass all. day.

But, things had to be done. I started cleaning, and I cleaned all day long. I scrubbed the bath tub, I shampooed the carpets, I did a bizillion (and ten) loads of laundry...by the time Toby got home I was dying. All I wanted to do was go to my bedroom, lay down and watch a little tv, and call it an early night for once. I'm always the last one to bed. I had been feeling so sick that I didn't think it would be a big deal to cut out early for the night and leave the boy with Toby.

Turns out I was wrong.

Toby came home last night and wanted to play videos games. Which is normally not a big deal. So I let him play for a while and then said "Hun, I'm really not feeling good, I'd like to lay down and watch some tv". He was like "Well, okay...but I've really been looking forward to playing video games and just relaxing tonight".

I was too tired to argue or talk. So I just said "okay". Took care of Ian, and went to bed.

Then today I wake up, and I have no car. We have two cars, but for the week, we only have one. I have told Toby several times this week that I needed to have the car on friday. He said okay every time. Well, he forgot. Guess I don't need to go to any of the 1000 important places I needed to go today.

He's a great guy, and most of the time he's nothing but sweet, supportive, and understanding. But...I don't know. Sometimes I just wish he could be in my place.

...and Ian just spilled apple juice all down my leg. Excellent.

Love like crazy.

Just because this song reminds me of us.

I love you Toby.

You have always been, and forever will be my best friend.

17 wasn't too young to know what love's about.

...ain't that crazy?

Love like crazy - by Lee Brice

It's been a while...

For a while I stopped posting here. I guess I got wrapped up in keeping my freebie and savings site, Momma Smells a Deal updated that I just lost the time to do my personal blog. However, I have decided that writing is good for my soul. So, I plan to start writing here regularly.

So much has happened since I last wrote. I have been back in school for two quarters now, and I'm happy to announce that I have received all A's! However, after some serious consideration and thought about our hopes and needs as a family we decided that it would be best for me to enter into the business program rather than the RN program. It's just not the right time. But, on the bright side that means I will graduate within the next year since I already have so many credits towards my business degree.

Being back in school has really helped me to gain back some self-esteem. I feel like it's something that I accomplish for myself, not for everyone around me, which is a rarity these days it seems. I am thankful to have loads of support for my husband and my family. My grandma takes Ian every Tuesday, all day, so that I can do all of my homework. It normally means that I spend 7 hours staring at a computer screen, but it's kind of nice. I get to sit in the solitude of my bedroom, in my favorite chair, with whatever I want on tv, and just do my own thing. I love have Toby and Ian around, but I won't lie, I really enjoy the occasional alone time.

Toby has continued to excel at work. I am so proud of him. For once in his life he wholeheartedly enjoys what he is doing. He's happy. It shows in the way he lives from day to day. He no longer comes home from work looking tired and beat down. He always comes home refreshed, and looks forward to the rest of the evening. They have given him his own department! He started at the company back in December, when they first opened in our hometown. He interviewed for warehouse labor, but happened to meet a very nice lady in HR who sent his application "upstairs" because he was so personable and because of his resume. From there they hired him into call center. Then he just happened to fall into processing returns in his spare time. Before he knew it he had designed a whole new returns system and policies for the entire company, and was having meetings with some very high up people. Now he has been assigned to new committees, has had several meetings with the president of the company and leads up the returns department. As of tomorrow, he will have his own team! There has been no talk of his new "title" or any pay advancements that may come with it, but we feel so blessed just to know that his hard work is paying off. God has helped him to get this far, so we are confident that he will take care of us, and our financial woes in good time.

Speaking of financial woes, yes, we are still living with my parents. We are still saving and feel like we are closer to a home of our home everyday. Sometimes it's hard because I feel like it's hard to get ahead. Some days I long just to have my own furniture, kitchen, and shower again. Sometimes I just wish I could go pee in the middle of the night in my underwear. But I feel confident that we are doing the right thing for our family. All in all, it's not a bad situation. My family is great, and most the time they are quite easy to live with.

Still, I stand behind the decisions I have made. I know that maybe things could have been easier had we not got married so young, and then very soon after (accidentally!) conceive Ian. But our love grows stronger every. single. day. After almost 6 years together Toby is still my best friend. He is my rock. If I could go back, I would marry him again, over and over. I know that we have made the right decisions in our lives. It pains me that so many people in the world would laugh to know that two high school sweethearts got married and had a family, so many would call what we have ignorance. Someone on an online message board that I frequent once told me that my marriage would "most likely fail since I got married young", and that all of my friends who are out drinking, partying, and sleeping around would most likely have successful marriages because they "experienced life" before settling down. I'm sorry, but that's so untrue. I have nothing against what most people are doing at my age in most cases.

Call me old fashioned or ignorant, but I cannot fathom waking up 50 years from now and wish that I had had sex with someone other than my husband in my life. I think it's sweet and romantic.

In other life news, Ian will be 11 months old this week! There are only 33 days until his 1st birthday. I don't know where the time has gone. It feels like it was only yesterday that I would spend hours lying in bed with my hand on my belly, just waiting to feel his little foot press against my skin. But today I'm planning a 1st birthday party as my son walks (yes walks!) around the house and plays with his toys. I don't have a newborn anymore. I have a baby who talks, and has teeth, and walks, and eats real food with his own hands, and drinks real milk out of a sippy cup, and laughs, and makes silly faces, and tries to play video games with Daddy! Where did my teeny-tiny baby go?

and with that, goodnight.