Perfect Weekend.

Thursday night, around 7pm, Toby decided he was going to take Friday night off and start the weekend early. He left work at 10:30 pm (instead of 11 like usual) and we headed off to Lake Erie, to my parents lake house for the weekend. We got there around 2:30 am, and didn't leave until 10:00 pm Sunday night. It was a much needed short vacation.

We had so much fun. Ian loves the sand, the water, the boats, riding the golf cart, the pool, the playground, the campfires, and just about everything in between.

Without going into too much detail, because it would take forever; it was a perfect weekend. Just what we needed as a family before Vanessa-Kate arrives. While I'm looking forward to meeting her, I am also nervous about not having Ian be my one and only, my baby. I plan to take him back one more time before she is set to arrive so that we can go to the beach again, and so that I can take him to the African Safari, since he loves loves loves animals so much. I'll have to research nearby labor and delivery departments before we go though, just in case. =)

Old body wash.

It is said that out of all the senses that scent has a greater capability of bringing up old memories. It ties us to our memories, both good and bad, more strongly than taste, feeling, or even looking at a photograph.

For most people, memorable scents are generally something like the smell of warm chocolate cookies baking making them remember their childhood, or the smell of pipe tobacco reminding them of their great grandfather.

For me, it's Caress Glowing Touch Body Wash.

Let me explain further.

When Ian was born, I packed my hospital bag with all of the things I would need; pajamas, camera, slippers, snacks, and bath products. Rather than pack all of my regular shower items, I went to the store and picked out a bunch of travel sized items. I picked up this body wash.

I'm a big fan of showers. After a long hard day I don't reach for a glass of wine or chocolate; I take a nice long shower. Even with a (nearly) two year old, this is one of the pleasures that I still indulge myself in. So naturally after Ian was born, I took several long hot showers in the hospital to sooth my aching body. This body was made my skin feel super soft, and the scent stayed for hours after I had dried off. It felt and smelled like everything that having a new baby should.

As I cuddled tiny Ian up to my bare chest I felt how soft he felt against my soft skin. I smelled the scent which paired perfectly with his tiny little baby smell. I swore that I was never going to buy another body wash in my entire life, because this one was just perfect.

And then we came home, and I couldn't bring myself to use it. It was special. It reminded me of those first precious days that we had spent together in the hospital. I couldn't ruin that memory by making it an everyday smell. I still have that bottle, half full of soap placed in Ian's memory box, because more than anything, the scent takes me back to those first days. There are times that I open up the bottle, take a quick smell, and my mind automatically floats back to those days. It's so real that I almost feel like I could reach out and hold my tiny newborn son again. Almost.

Last night Ian and I had a special "Ian and Mommy night out". Really, we just went to Target, went to Kroger and did some grocery shopping, and got the car washed. But we took our time, we laughed and giggled, and we enjoyed ourselves. In Target, I was working out some coupon deals in my head when I discovered that I could get an entire bottle of this wonderful body wash for free with my coupons. I looked at Ian. I looked at the bottle. I took a whiff.

Nope.

I just couldn't do it.

Instead, I gave my big boy a kiss, whipped out my pen and wrote "Use both coupons to get for free" and placed it right under the bottle for someone else to find. I already have my memory, and it's too precious to make an everyday smell.

I had a moment today.

This afternoon I was standing the in kitchen, tackling the sink full of far too many dishes. We've all been sick and it feels like they are piling up around us. I'm usually the type of person who only lets a few things get dirty before I clean. A dirty house makes me antsy.

So, there I was, doing the dishes and selfishly wishing that everyone would just leave me alone for the day. My head was pounding, I couldn't stop coughing, and my stomach was flipping; a lovely combination of the flu and morning sickness. Just when I was thinking that it couldn't get much worse I turned around to see Ian playing with a couple of things that wouldn't fit into the into the trash can; two empty pop bottles, 3 small boxes, and a milk jug.

I opened my mouth to tell him no, but then I noticed how happy he was, and how good he was being. Then I just stopped to watch. I watched as he stacked them all like blocks, and how he played with them like a drum. He was so quiet, and so happy. And that's when I realized, why not let him play with them? He was just being a kid. And he wasn't really hurting anything at all.

That's when I realized that sometimes I take things too seriously. I don't let him play with the empty bottles next to the trash can because I like things nice and neat. I don't ever let him eat crackers in the living room because he might mash them into the carpet. I tell him not to wipe his little peanut butter hands on the table. But the truth is, sometimes I should let him. I own a sweeper, and a wash rag, and the bottles easily stack right next to the trash can again. Honestly, it isn't going to be like this for long. I know that I'm going to look back in ten years and I'm going to miss the sounds of his tiny feet running up and down the hallway. I'm going to miss just watching him be amused with the simple things, like empty boxes and pop bottles.

And that's when this song came to mind.



The truth is, how many phases have already flown by in the last 16 months? Pregnancy felt like it would never end, but now it seems so long ago, and I have embarked on the journey yet again. This time I know the savor it, and I know that though at times you just wish that it would end, but I know that in the long run it will just be such a sweet short phase that I'll wish that I could go back to every once in a while. I know how much I will miss being able to feel my sweet baby turning in circles in my belly.

And the newborn phase. The seemingly all night nursing sessions, and the constant quiet cry. At the time we were so sleep deprived, we thought that we would never make it through. Now I know how special those first few weeks were. And what of the phase before he could roll over, before he could crawl, before he could crawl, teething on his very first tooth, waiting for his first words, waiting for him to eat his first solids! So many phases are behind us already. It has all gone by so fast. Sometimes its hard to remember to stop and savor the moments that we are living in today.

This pregnancy has given me the chance to do just that. Sometimes I lay in bed and think about how I need to get everything I can out of these last months with Ian as my baby and not as my big boy. It's hard to imagine that 20 years from now, even if we have 10 children, Ian will still be our oldest. It's hard to picture him as anything but my baby.

I vow to stop and smells the roses more. I vow to let my baby be a baby while he still can, and to let my children be children, even if it means letting them play with the trash sometimes. =)

Sleep.

You know what I have always found to be one of the sweetest things in the world? That last moment right before a baby falls asleep. So many times I have stroked Ian's face as he fell asleep and watched his little eyes bat open and closed, until he finally fell into that sweet slumber that only babies seem to be able to fall into.

So many times I have sat and wondered if I would remember that forever. I want to. I never want to forget how sweet it was, and how much I cherished it. So, today as we were sitting on the couch, getting ready to take a nap, I realized that the laptop was sitting open next to us. So I turned on the camera.

Now I can cherish that moment forever and ever, even if my memory can't recall all of the details.

Sleep child of mine, as the stars shine above, I love you as much, as a Mother can love.

I miss my bumplette.

So, I was lurking on the bump since I can't sleep, and I was flipping through some of the posts from the 9-12 board and one of the girls (who is pregnant again, around 30 weeks) posted a belly video. It was a beautiful minute and a half and her little one rolling around and kicking her. Her belly was jumping all over the place! I know this is going to sound lame but... it almost made me cry, real tears.

I could almost feel that feeling in my stomach again.

I miss the way I could feel his little feet press against my hand when I laid it on the side of my stomach. I miss my weekly NST's where I could just lay in the hospital bed and listen to his heart beat on the fetal monitors. I miss the way that little monitor on my belly would drive him nuts, and he would starting kicking it and making it move. Then he would hide from it, and the nurse would have to come in and move it.

29 weeks

I miss feeling him inside of me, moving around, being a part of me. There is just no love quite like that. It's such a strange feeling, loving someone that you have never met, and never having met someone who lives inside of you. That was just such a special time in my life. I really loved pregnancy. Next time, I will know the savor every. single. day.

29 weeks

Naturally I love that Ian is here now. I wouldn't trade that for the world. Ever. But, adorable belly jumping videos make me wish I could feel his kicks just one more time.

30 Days.

As of today, there are only 30 days until my little mans 1st birthday. It's so strange to think of what I was doing this time last year. I was only 30 days away from holding him for the first time. I was already 4-5 cm dilated thinking that any moment would be "the moment". Little did I know I would go to term and have a very long, painful, terrifying delivery. (all of which was totally worth it!)

But sometimes I still miss my pregnant belly. It gave me confidence in myself. I was proud of my body for the first time in a long time. I was proud of everything it stood for and everything it was doing for my baby boy. Carrying him made me feel like I was on top of the world. A pregnant woman can accomplish anything, I swear!

37 weeks

However, now the cute baby bump is gone and I am left with fatness and zebra stripes. I told Toby just last night that I was a fat zebra. He was quite shocked. He said that he thought I was just a "white woman" when he married me. If he had known that I was a fat zebra he would have seconded guessed himself. So I got down on all fours (as a zebra would do) and showed him. He said that he guessed he could see it.

Anywho, so, I am going to take these next 30 days to whip my fat zebra ass into shape. I PROMISE to start walking every. single. day. And to eat more salads and less cookies. You are my witness. I want to be a positive, healthy image for Ian to grow up with. Of course looking smokin' hot again wouldn't be too bad either.

See that skinny bitch on the right, that was me (and my that's my Momma!)

So, current weight, 175. Goal weight, 140. 30 day goal, 12 lbs.

I don't think 12 lbs is a lot to lose when you first start out, I don't expect the rest to come off super quickly or anything. I understand that these things take time. But I need to do this for myself. I really do.

On a happier note, look at the adorable thing that my son did in Walmart today. How did I even find a baby this cute?

He is too. darn. cute.

Ah, goodnight.

Ahhh...to live in the East.

This past week has been nothing but snow in our corner of the world.

This storm started up last week piled up around 2 feet of snow. Then we got a two day break...and now it has been coming down for two days straight. This is a blizzard I tell ya!

On the bright side Toby didn't have to work today, so he was able to spend the day and home with Ian and I. However he has spent most of the day working on schoolwork. Can't win them all.

Ian and I are running out of things to do since we've been snowed in for so long. We both look like bums. Ian has been hanging out in his pj's half of the day, and my hair looks like it's been attacked by a wind storm. We're going to make some chocolate chip cookies soon... because I eat when I'm bored. *sigh*

At least the snow made for some cute pictures of Ian and his cousin Aiden this weekend

Ian in the snow...Ian not wanting to be in the snow anymore.

Ian and Aiden in the snow.

Ian and I. <3>

It's been a while...

I need to do this a little more often. *sigh*

Time is flying by. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was laying in my bed, rubbing my hand across my swollen belly, just waiting on a kick. And now, here we are. My baby is almost 6 months old. Half a year. I feel like time has just kicked it into hight gear.

I've been getting really emotional about these things lately. I keep finding myself crying over every song on the radio that has anything to do with babies, or growing up too fast. "It won't be like this for long" gets me everytime. I literally have a breakdown. I even cried over the Pampers commericial with all the sleeping babies in it last week. And baby shows, like "Deliver Me" are the worst. When I was pregnant I got excited when the baby first came. I would think to myself "I can't wait until that moment!" but that was about it. Now, I start crying hysterically. It's like I feel all of the things that I was too shaken up to feel when Ian was born. I was too shocked to feel all of the love that I had for him. I was scared. But when I see other babies be born, I feel everything I wish I could have felt at that moment.

I think I may finally be ready to write my "birth story".

I can't stop thinking about Ian's birth lately. I just keep replaying it in my head. Over and over.


Our first moments together.


Ian today, in his new big boy car seat.