It's been a minute.

It's been some time since I've written. Most likely nearly two years or more. You know, just a hot second.

But I kind of miss this. Sometimes I look back at my past blog posts and think... "Wow, I had forgotten how that felt". It's a nice nod to the past for me. It's like a journal that someone else may be able to take something away from, and that makes my heart happy.

So, whats been going on in my world?

A lot. Kind of an actual crap load.

*ahem*

Ian is FIVE and is now in KINDERGARTEN. Vanessa-Kate is THREE and is in PRESCHOOL. When did that happen?! Ian is still a funny kid. He's a jokester, and he loves to laugh and be silly. Vanessa-Kate is silly in her own way, but she's a sweetheart. She's quiet, sweet, and kind hearted.

Toby is still working at the same company. But he now does work that he really and truly loves. He works in social media and he loves every minute of it. We are very blessed that he found his way into such an awesome company where he has been able to grow and flourish.

And me? Well, I did it. I went to Nursing school. I worked my behind off for several months after I graduated with my business degree and completed all of my Nursing prerequisite classes. Then I applied and was accepted into the program a little over a year ago. As of December 17th I will only have ONE semester left before graduation. Assuming everything goes to plan I will sit for my boards this May. I love nursing school and I love working in the clinical setting. I have had tons of wonderful experience and I cannot wait to start working.

Other random things; we bought a house (not sure if I was still blogging then), and we have two tiny fluffy white dogs named Trooper and Zeke. =)

Hopefully I'll write again soon.

I'm getting rid of baby stuff.

I've spent the last week or so getting rid of stuff. I've washed car seats, cleaned old clothes, and picked melted fruit snacks out of the crevices of many things...all because it's time.

I've spent a lot of time struggling with this decision. What is worth keeping? What isn't? Am I even going to have any more babies? The honest truth is...I don't know. But I do know that I'm not having any more any time soon. So, I'm selling, donating, and pitching stuff left and right.

The whole idea of never having children again terrifies me a bit. When I think that I may never experience all of the joy that comes along with having a little person inside of me growing, I want to cry. I loved being pregnant, I really did. I love pretty much every part of it. I love the kicks, the big belly, and the constant feeling of love, excitement and anticipation. If I thought that I could handle it emotionally, I would carry other peoples babies for them. I loved being pregnant. The thought of never giving birth again even makes me sad. I had such a positive and uplifting experience when I delivered Vanessa-Kate. I can't imagine never holding my own fresh, newborn baby again. I can't image never having that "Look what we just made!" moment in the hospital. I want to breastfeed again after Vanessa-Kate. I'm not ready to give up all of the amazing experiences that come along with creating a new life. But...none of those are good enough reasons to have more children. Do I want more...or am I just sad to be leaving the phase of my life behind? I suppose that only to future can say.

However, in some ways I am relieved to feel somewhat certain that I am finished having children. One reason is that now I feel like I can focus on my career goals. I don't fear that working of my schooling to eventually become a midwife will have a negative affect on my family anymore. After I had Ian I knew that I didn't want him to be an only child. I also knew that I would like my children to be relatively close in age. The question of when we were going to have another child loomed over many of my decisions. I feel at peace with that now.

Then there are times when Toby and I slip away for a couple of hours, just the two of us. Then I start to imagine what it might be like to enjoy the company of my husband without babies and toddlers who need constant attention and supervision... and that seems pretty nice. We both love every moment of raising our babies, but we do miss having a bit of quality time to ourselves.

The fact is, I don't know the future holds for us. I do know that we have to wonderful children whom I look forward to watching grow. I know that we both want to focus on finishing the schooling that will help us to reach our own personal career goals. Maybe we'll be a family of four forever. Who knows? Maybe we'll be at a point in our lives five years from now where another child will be the right choice. As for now though...I'm getting rid of baby stuff. It breaks my heart a little bit, sure. But in some ways, it feels like a new beginning. Like everything is just starting.

Trying.

I've written before that I've dealt with depression at a point or so in my life. The first time I ever experienced it was soon after I graduated from high school. Things started slipping quickly down hill, out of the middle of no where. All through school I had been smart. I was the girl who loved her biology class, and skated through with an A+ while the rest of the class struggled. I had a lot of hopes and aspirations for college.

Then things spun out of control. My hair started falling out. I put on weight like crazy. I slept...a lot. I didn't believe in myself. Before I knew it I just started looking for the path of least resistance. I gave up my dreams and started looking for the fastest and easiest way to get through college. Before I knew it I was doing things I didn't even want to do. And I was failing at those things. I dropped out one too many times. I failed classes. I got behind.

Since then, so much has changed. Firstly, I have great joy in my life. I am the farthest from depression that I have ever been. I feel fulfilled. I feel confident. I am myself again.

I'm about to graduate from college. Sure, it's not my bachelors degree. It's an associates degree in business. But I'm finishing it, with no doubts in my mind. I've put forth effort and applied myself. I have good grades, and I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I can finish something that I have started.

But, business is not my passion. It is a road that I started down when I just wanted to make things easy. My passion lies in healthcare. I've always wanted to do something in that field, most likely nursing. In recent times I have heard a calling to become a midwife. My eyes have been opened to how rewarding giving birth can be. I could go on and on about this, but the point is that I would love the work and I know that I could help women to have the birth experience that they deserve to have...and that experience is life changing.

So, I've decided that after graduation I will continue going to school part time. First I will take a few classes so that I can apply to the nursing program. Then apply to get into the RN program. From there get my BSN. And the midwifery school.

But...I'm almost afraid to tell people about my aspirations. What if I fail like I have before? What if I truly try...but I'm just not smart enough? It's so hard to fully believe in myself again. Deep down I know that I can do these things, but it's so hard to let go of my past failures. I am my toughest critic.

I'm planning to take it step by step. Take the pre-nursing classes. Focus on them. Don't worry about the next step until you get there. Then apply to the RN program. I'm going to do my best to take everything one step at a time...because that's all we really can do. I'm going to try. And that's a big step for me.

Here's to trying, wholeheartedly.

Pinch me?

I think that I am headed towards a super hard crash into reality.

You see, the fact is that I don't actually believe that I'm going to have a baby, at least not anytime soon. There is no denying that I am nearly full term. I walk around the house organizing baby clothes and cleaning nooks and crannies because the overly logical side of me knows that she's coming...soon. I complain about my back pain, and I stand up very slowly from the sitting position since it feels like if I move too quickly a baby just might try to make it's way out of me (sorry!), but the fact of the matter is this; I am in denial.

It's not that I don't want to have another child. I desperately do. It's just that for some reason I cannot wrap my mind around the idea that it is actually going to happen. I have the same feeling that I had in the planning stages of all of this; like we are still discussing whether it is the right time to start trying to conceive. I feel like we actually have to make a decision about whether we are going to have another baby or not. I don't know whats wrong with me.

When I got pregnant with Ian, it came as a happy surprise. While we had married younger than most, we weren't really planning on jumping right into a family. I was looking forward to spending at least the next two years as "just the two of us". But, alas, 2 short months into our marriage and three days before Christmas, my family doctor delivered the news; "No, you do not have the stomach flu, you are pregnant."

My initial response was to stop breathing for a moment. I think I may have uttered out the words "Holy shit". However it was soon followed with shock, and then joy. Overall, I was happy. When I shared the news with Toby, so was he. Though when I gave him a baggie with a biohazard sign on it with the test in it from the doctors office he thought that it was my way of telling him that there was something terribly, horribly wrong with me. ::giggles:: Silly boy.

But, as much of a surprise my pregnancy was, I embraced it. It felt very real to me the whole time. Mostly, I was very aware of the end result; I was going to be a mother, and I was going to give birth to a baby. Never once did that not seem real to me as it does this time. It's just ironic that it only seems unreal when it's planned.

I thought that these feelings would go away as I became larger. No such luck. There are 34 days until our baby is "due", which means less time than that. If she hasn't arrived yet, I'll be induced sometime in the week before that, which means 27-33 days from now. But, I can almost promise you that it will be sooner. I feel it. I have been convinced that she is coming on July 15th this entire time. Which is 17 days from now. Whoa. (P.S. While I'm making predictions, let's go ahead and throw this out there; 6 lbs, 11 oz, 20 inches long)

Maybe I'm just nervous about changing my little family. While we are all super excited to meet Vanessa-Kate, there is just so much new to be experienced. What will it be like to have a newborn and a toddler? What is it like to be a parent of two? For that matter, what is it like to be the parent of a girl? I'm pretty sure I know nothing about taking care of little girls. Will Ian be happy? Will he feel deserted? Mostly, the question that I believe every second time Mother-to-be asks herself; Will I be able to love another child nearly as much as I love the first?

I will. I know. But, sometimes it's hard to know until it happens. It's going to happen very soon.

Fears.

We all have fears.

Most of our fears are natural, normal fears. It is healthy to have a certain level of fear when it comes to things that are dangerous. But it seems that most parents have a certain fear that shakes them to the core. That haunts them. That they are almost convinced will happen to them if they don't take action. The fear is generally irrationally large, but is of something that is normal to be afraid of.

For Toby, it's pools. He seems to be very nervous about Ian falling in a pool and no one noticing. For me, it's car accidents. I am extremely picky about car safety. I check the car seat installation every single time. I make sure his buckles are tight, and that the chest piece is always placed in the right spot. I worry.

But the single most important thing that I do is kiss him every single time I put him in his carseat. Every. Time. Without fail. I need to know that if something were to ever happen to him, that I kissed him and that I loved him.

As a parent, what more can you do? I can't let my fear of car accidents take over my life. I can't wrap memory foam padding and duct tape around him every time I place him in the car. I just have to be careful, and do the best that I can.

Something reminded me today that we must never ever take our healthy families for granted. I can honestly say that I do not. I worry about them too often. I make it a point to take the time to hug, kiss, and hold Ian everyday. I tell him how much he means to me, and that I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I tell my husband that I appreciate him, and that I value him, and that I love him with all of my heart. When I say my nightly prayers, I thank God for all of the wonderful people in my life, one by one, and I ask him to take care of them for another day.

I'm not sure what the point is. But, hold your families tight. And thank God for each and every day that you get to spend with them.

Prepare for cuteness.

Have you prepared yourself? Because this is cute, like...uber cute. And I can't believe that I have forgot to share it with you until now:

Last Sunday, at our family Easter, Ian got to meet a teeny-tiny. And he loved it. He soaked it up like a sponge.

Don't get me wrong, he has spent plenty of time around little ones. Friends of ours have a little boy who has just turned one, though he has always seemed younger because he is a tiny guy, and he has always been very good with all of the littler babies at the indoor playground at the mall. But this was a teeny-tiny. Which is my obnoxious way of saying newborn.

This particular little guy goes by the name of Michael and he was 5 weeks old at the time, weighing in at just 7lbs and 3oz. Which is 1 lb, 5 oz short of Ian's birth weight so we all enjoyed getting to see such a tiny little guy. He was so very handsome.

Ian immediately was interested as soon as the baby came in the door. He got to hold him soon after. He softly stroked his little head, and inspected his tiny ears. He marveled at his tiny feet. He even stuck his finger in his mouth only to pull it out and ask "...Teeth?" with a puzzled look on his face. But he really soaked it up. He wanted to sit and hold the baby all day long. I couldn't believe how naturally gentle he was with him. It made me want to tear up a little. I could just picture him with Vanessa-Kate soon. I pictured him holding her and stroking her hair (yes, I've decided she has lots of dark hair, go with it) and playing with the little frilly bows on he headband.

The whole time this was going on, Ian was sitting in my Moms lap holding Ian and the baby. When she passed the little guy over to me Ian started whining. I thought "Here we go, here's the jealousy that I was expecting". But to my surprise, he was whining because he was mad that I was holding the baby and that he was not. Totally different kind of jealous.

I'm sure that we will have our challenges once Vanessa-Kate actually arrives, and I'm sure the jealousy will set in soon enough. But this just gave me a glimpse of all of the sweet moments ahead that will make it all worth it. Ian is such a sweet and loving little boy, and I can't wait to see him hold his little sister for the first time. We're getting close enough that I am actually starting to be able to picture the moment. =)

::Drum Roll Please::

The big news is...that it's a GIRL!

We couldn't be more excited! By the time we got to the ultrasound yesterday, I was already a nervous wreck. I do not do well with not knowing things. For the last few weeks before Ian's gender ultrasound I became nervous and anxious, and this baby was no different.

We arrived at the office about 5 minutes before our appointment. That's when I was informed that I had already missed my ultrasound. I had written down the time for my OB appointment...my ultrasound was 30 minutes before that appointment. Just when I thought we were going to have to reschedule, they squeezed me in.

We went back, I laid down, and we got to it. We measured the babys head, legs, arms, brain, kidneys and so on. They were all perfect. We counted 10 perfect little fingers and toes. Toes...which were perfectly tucked over her lady bits, leaving us to think that we still may not be finding out the gender. Then, just before the ultrasound ended she shot her legs out straight and showed us everything. She is a girl. And her name is Vanessa-Kate. Vanessa-Kate Brewer Starr.

We were so excited.

Then on the the appointment, which wasn't filled with good news. Firstly, my doctor has resigned and will no longer be practicing as of the end of the month. I was informed that this would be our last appointment. I am really upset about it because I really trust her. I'm picky about my doctors, and once I find one I stick with them forever. I don't like changes, and I really don't like having to go to a doctor that I don't know.

Next came even worse news; she strongly recommends that I do not even attempt a vaginal birth. This is truely heartbreaking to me. As you might remember, my birth story wasn't so great. Ian was stuck, crowning the entire time, while I pushed for over 4.5 hours. I bled significantly afterwards, and he suffered a skull fracture. While she knows that there is a chance that I would be able to give birth easily this time she doesn't feel that it is worth taking the risk of hurting my baby again.

The truth is, I trust her, and I know that she wants what is best for the baby. Generally, I'm one of those people who strictly follow doctor's orders, with little question. Maybe this is why I am so adiment about finding doctors that I trust and sticking with them. But my heart tells me that I can do this, and that I deserve at least a chance to see what my body can do, before I miss out on giving birth the way I had hoped to. I guess that after I had Ian, I had always hoped that someday I would get a second chance...a chance to have a positive birth experience.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about some all out, no drugs, walking around the hospital, giving birth in a pool type of thing. Hell no. Let me break it down for you again: Hell. No. If you've done that, good for you, that's truely awesome, but it's not my thing. I'm a big fan of pain meds. If they were on facebook...I'd "like" them for sure. Anyway, I just mean a chance to go into labor on my own, without the use of drugs, and to get a chance to push my baby out, the way it was meant to be.

My OB told me to stop and think about all of the women around the world who are still dying during childbirth. To think about how other women with my problem (not having the pelvic space to push out their baby) might not be as fortunate as me. Sometimes babies get stuck, somtimes they don't make it through birth. Sometimes the mother doesn't make it. That I should be happy that I live in a place where I can opt to have a c-section to avoid all chances of taking any of those risks. And she's right. I am happy. And I don't mind the idea of a c/s. Surgery doesn't scare me in the least. I don't mind recovering. I don't mind having a c/s if I have to. I guess I just feel like I deserve a fighting chance. But then I run the risk of having to choose an emergency c-section over a planned c-section , assuming things don't go to plan...and I'm just not sure that it is worth the risk.

I'm hoping I just need some time for the idea to really sink in. I'm not afraid in the least. Just let down. Really, really let down.

But...I'm having a healthy little girl. And that brings a little bit of sunshine to my day. Oh, that and I'm still not up to pre-pregnancy weight. Gaining healthily, but still where I'd like to be. =)

The Craving.

I've decided that I've found a new way to earn money.

I'm going to start allowing marketing companies to study me. Just me. Because I'm pretty sure that I personally am the single person that they are gearing advertisements towards. They really get me. I pay far too much attention, and once I get something in my head, I can't get it out. This is especially true with foooodd commercials.

For example, Red Robin has recently started a new marketing campaign on television. I haven't seen an ad from them in months and suddenly they are on every 15 minutes. So now, I am craving Red Robin. Constantly. I think some people misuse the word craving. It's a serious word. Like the word hate, you just shouldn't be toss it around if you don't mean it.

By craving I mean that I think about it several times a day, for days or weeks at a time. I get hungry and my first thought is "I want Red Robin". Then I come to terms with the fact that I am not going to eat Red Robin so I mope around the kitchen until I find something that will fill my stomach. It's not Red Robin, so it's hardly even food. Just stomach filler.

This will continue until I actually get to eat at Red Robin. Then it will end.

I don't think I can handle being a one car family anymore. If I had a car I would have already been over this craving and onto the next.

...I also could go for a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's. Plain please.

Please note that I have filed this post under "hopes and fears". 'Cause I really hope to go to Red Robin soon, however I seriously fear that I will not get it.

Tomorrow is a big day.

...and I'm a big mess.

Tomorrow morning is the big ultrasound that we've been waiting on. At 12:45 we will have a 4D ultrasound performed by a doctor who specializes in Maternal-Fetal heath, followed by a consultation about what the ultrasound shows. I am so thankful to be having this done at a hospital that has a wonderful department full of professionals who specialize in high-risk cases.

I just can't help but feel like I am about to hear news that I really don't want to hear.

With my pregnancy with Ian, I was blessed to have most things go smoothly. I didn't have any major scares, and things progressed the way that they were supposed to. I never had any fears or doubts that I wouldn't get to deliver him. I always just knew that I would have him, and that was that.

But things are so different now. So scary. So filled with uncertainty.

I think the worst part is that I don't even have a clue as to why my placental area might be swollen. Through all of my research I have yet to find even a single mention of such thing. I feel so in the dark. Not to mention, the constant bleeding. I know, bleeding here and there during pregnancy is pretty normal, especially in the first trimester. But have small amounts of blood most everyday...is not. I am reminded most every. single. day. that this pregnancy is not normal by the blood tinges. I hate not knowing what is going on inside of my body. I hate not being able to protect my baby. I hate that I have no idea if things are going to be okay. I hate not knowing. I hate not planning. Mostly, I hate that I'm so anxious about it all of the time. I anxiety has made it nearly impossible to find any joy within this pregnancy thus far.

I thought that I would know more by now. I'm almost into my 2nd trimester...and still no more sure about things than I was on that night that I first saw those two lines pop up on the EPT. I despise the uncertainty.

My biggest fear? Going in and seeing that I've already lost my sweet baby. I can't imagine. And to be honest, I don't think that I could do it again. We want another child...but I don't think I have it in me to go through the sickness, and the uncertainty again anytime soon, if, heaven forbid, I should have to start over again. I know that I should be staying positive, and to a certain extent, I am. But that doesn't change that I know that there is a real possibility that things could take a turn for the worse. I've seen it happen to too many people, too many times.

One of the hardest parts about dealing with all of this is that there is no one to talk to. Sure, I have tons of wonderful and loving people who are willing to listen, but most of them just spew out ten tons of positive thoughts after I let it all out. They tell me that "everything will be okay" and that I "have to stay positive". The positivity is great, and I know that they are all trying to be helpful, but sometimes I just wish that someone would look at me and say "I know the uncertainty must be hard for you, and I understand why you feel the way that you do."

Alas, only tomorrow will tell. Please keep us, and our little gummy bear in your thoughts.