A quick word about my Ian:

My Ian is a rough kid to parent.
He's sensitive, and picky, and isn't so keen on things not going according to his schedule.
He's fussy and finicky.
He's stubborn and sometimes he yells.
But...
There are so many "but's"
He's sweet, and kind, and as loving as they come
He worries about other's feelings, almost too often.
He's fun, and funny, and a joy to be around.
He makes me laugh, he makes me cry,
He makes me wonder what's going through his head often times.
He's a goofball and a nutcase
And he's my baby...
And he says that I'm his baby too.
He's my sweetpea, my sunshine, and my bubby boy.
And as rough as he is,
He is worth every second.

Lazy Day Saturday.

The kids and I have just been hanging out, playing in the living room, and watching tv on the couch all day. It's been a while since we've all taken a day to just stay home.

You'd think that as a "stay at home Mom" (that term almost seems hilarious to use to describe me) I'd be home most of the time. The truth is, I'm never home. I'm at school, I'm at the park, I'm taking the kids to their grandparents, I'm at the store, I'm at the Doctor's office, I'm anywhere but home. Most of the time I really enjoy being on the run. But I have to admit that I need to spend a little more time at home because...I don't remember the last time that I cooked anything. I literally never cook. We eat out or at one of our parents homes. It's sad and a kind of humiliating. Haha...kind of.

But today, we're all just cuddled up on the couch. I've spent most of the day exposing my poor children to Teen Mom 2 and old episodes of NCIS. Tis a good day. =)

Unconditionally:

Generally, I get so wrapped up in the day-to-day of taking care of two little ones that I forget what I'm actually doing, or rather, what the significance of it all is. Many hours of the day I feel like I'm juggling children. Sit Vanessa-Kate down on the kitchen floor, pour Ian's apple juice, pick Vanessa-Kate up, feed her, slip her into a blanket once she's asleep so that I can hold Ian's hand while he falls asleep, etc. It's like I'm taking turns satisfying each of their needs.

But then I stop and realize that it's all so significant through their eyes, especially Vanessa-Kate's. I forget that they lean on me for pretty much everything. I forget how it must feel to rely on someone to meet your every need because you can't do so yourself.

Then it's so easy to appreciate. Isn't it amazing how much our children need us? In Vanessa-Kate's eyes, I am the world. I am her rock of comfort, her source of nourishment, and her care taker. When she cries, she's crying because she needs me, because she loves me, deeply and unconditionally. She is my baby, and I am her Mother, and in so many ways, she is still a part of me, still a heart beating inside me.

Today I am thankful that I am a Mother.

All sorts of moments.

Each morning Ian climbs out of his bed at the crack out dawn and says to me "I want cuddle jusssst a minute". Each morning I let him in, knowing that his idea of just a minute will last until we choose to get out of bed for the day.

Yesterday morning I couldn't go back to sleep after he got in my bed. I laid there holding him, thinking about how big he felt. He used to be a tiny baby that I could curl up in my arms towards my chest. Now he's so big and long that he tucks his head under my chin and tangles his legs up with mine. I was sitting there enjoying the extra cuddles when I had the thought;

How much longer do I have left to get these cuddles?

He's two and a half years old now. How long do little boys ask to climb in Mommy's bed for cuddles? Until they're 5? 4? Please don't tell me it's only 3? I sat thinking "Do I only have a year to a year and a half left of this?!" It will never be enough. What am I going to do when he doesn't want me near anymore? Doesn't he know that he's supposed to be my baby?

And then I relax and think that this is just another reminder of why I try so hard to savor what I have with my babies. They don't need to be rushed. We need not to get angry or frustrated when they need us, even if it does seem like they neeeeeedddd us every second of the day. Because someday, I'm going to want it back. I recently read that it is important to remember that you are not raising and inconvenience, you are raising a child. I think that we all could try a little harder to remember that most of the time.

When Ian's tugging at my leg while I'm doing the dishes, or running around and playing when I'm trying to get his coat on, or being loud while I'm trying to watch tv...I just stop and take a moment to think about how important these moments are. Just like cuddles, we only get so many baby moments. Toddler moments. All sorts of moments. I'm so glad for all of the moments that I have experienced so far.

7 Years.

Just a little note:

As of today I have been with my wonderful husband to 7 years.

I love you more and more as each day passes.

I love being a family.

Being a parent is really something isn't it?

Tonight Toby and I went out for the first time by ourselves since Vanessa-Kate was born 5 months ago. We talked about work, fantasy football, the weather, and day-to-day activities. We laughed, we had a good time. But by the time we were heading back the conversation had already turned to our babies.

We really have amazing kids don't we?
I love them so much. Tremendously much.

And I had one of the moments where it dawned on me; there was nothing more than we wanted than to be at home cuddled on the couch with our babies. We had babysitters who would have stayed late into the night if we wanted them to...but before 9pm, we just wanted to go home and enjoy the company of of kids.

On the way home we talked about how special they were, and how fast they are growing. Ian has changed so much, as has parenting him. It's a whole new kind of rewarding now that he can express himself. Nothing makes it more worthwhile than the "Mommy I love you soooo much" 's and the "Let's hold hands" 's that he gives me all of the time. And nursing Vanessa-Kate has been such a rewarding experience. I'm so glad I stuck it through the hard times because now I have a way to bond with her in such a special way. And when she looks up and me and gives me that silly milky smile of hers, my heart tells me that she loves me too.

So we came home and we held our babies. And it was wonderful.

There is no greater feeling in the world than having a family. Each and every day gets better. I'm so glad to have them this Christmas. They make it all worth while.

I can hear him in the next room singing to her and giving her a million kisses.
And that makes my heart melt.
<3

3 years ago today...

We anxiously got ready for our big day...

We nervously stood at the alter, and said our vows...

We sealed a life-long promise with a kiss, before God and all our friends & family.

We became man and wife. Mr. & Mrs. Starr.

We were so happy.

I looked at you and I just knew that you would be a wonderful husband and father someday.

We danced, we celebrated. We were just happy to be together.
It has been a wonderful, beautiful, love-filled three years. I'd gladly stand by you for the next 103. I love you. Happy Anniversary.

Toby & Tabatha Starr

10.25.08

Today, I am thankful for my family;

“A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for”

When happiness meets sadness.

Tonight, I held both of my children. Vanessa-Kate slept sweetly in my left arm. He breath was quiet, but audible. Her little lips keep twisting into a crooked smile. Ian sat quietly in my right arm, stroking my thumb nail and watching the television. His left hand softly held Vanessa-Kate's hand.

It was one of those moments where happiness meets sadness.

Do you ever have those moments? It's not that I'm actually sad, in fact, I'm quite happy. It's just conflicting emotions.

Happy to be living such a beautiful moment, but sad that you know just how fast this time will pass.

Happy that you are holding them, but sad that you don't get to spend more time doing just that.

Happy to be making the memories, but reminded of those that have already passed.

And, while it's not truly sadness, feeling that solemn happiness that is so happy that it makes you cry. The kind of happiness where you watch you sleeping child and suddenly, without your permission a tear runs down your cheek. Where do those tears come from, and why do they always seem to sneak up?

I suppose solemn is a good word to describe what I'm feeling, much better than sadness, because I am not sad. Not even a little bit. But, so filled with happiness and deep, heart-wrenching love that it makes me want to cry.

As I held both of my children tonight, Vanessa-Kate in my left arm, and Ian in my right, I cried...just a little. I thought of how deeply blessed that I am. I felt a great sense of God, and all that he has given me. There is such heartache in the world...and such pain. But somehow, I am surrounded by these two beautiful babies that he has blessed me with. And I get to spend every. single. day. by their sides. I don't take that for granted. I have known too many mothers who don't get to experience that. So many mothers who don't get to hold their children because they are no longer here on earth. And yet, God has given me two, and for this I am so grateful. It is these kinds of thoughts that go through my head when happiness meets sadness.

It is nights like tonight when you can fully feel how fragile life really is. Here one moment, and gone the next, for all of us. It's moments like holding both of my children, Vanessa-Kate in the left arm, Ian in the right, that makes life worthwhile.

We're a family of FOUR!

She's here!

Vanessa-Kate Annabelle Starr

Born July 21st 2011

at 7:25 am

8 lbs, 3 oz : 21.25 inches long

Dainty fingers and toes

Long dark hair like her Mommy

and a crying face that is the splitting image of her brothers

We all love her fiercely.

She is truly a joy.

More to come, promise. =)

A flower for my thoughts:

Have I told you lately how unbearably freaking sweet my kid is?

Oh I haven't? Well then maybe it's about time I do.

Truth is, he's not always all that sweet. He's actually quite a little monster. When he gets mad he scrunches his face together and hits his own thigh super hard. Sometimes he asks me for things (like a slice of cheese) from the kitchen, then suddenly decides that he doesn't want it...so he throws it on the floor, screams "nooooooo!" and runs away, smashing the damn cheese into the hardwood floor.

But then again, most of the time he's a real sweetheart.

As his personality has started to really blossom over these last few months I have noticed that my son is a lover. He's a big fan of things like cuddling, giving eskimo kisses, and holding hands. He enjoys telling people thank you, which in Ian language comes out "Dee-do". He likes to give things to people. He likes to pet the dogs super gently. He likes to rub his Daddy's back. He's even learning to hold the door for people at the grocery store. He really is a rather nice little boy, if I do say so myself.

About a week ago, he picked me a flower for the very first time. Er, well, let me rephrase that. He picked me a flower for the very first time on his own. He has been prompted to pick me flowers before, and he has. However, this time was different. He was off playing in the yard all by himself and I was sitting in the lawn chair on the patio. Then he walked up to me, laid the flower on my belly and says "here go" and gives me a kiss. And just like that, he walked away.

I may have teared up, just a little. I certainly got sentimental enough about it to whip out Toby's iPhone and take a picture.

I can't believe how fast this kid is growing up. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

It's moments like that though, that make me feel like I'm doing this whole "parenting" deal correctly. If I've done well enough to teach little boys to pick their Mommies flowers (flowers that match their bathing suits so perfectly for photo ops no less) than I'm doing pretty darn good. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Just because.

Just because I love you.

Just because it's been 2,358 days since you became mine.

I want you to know how much you mean to me, to us.

You are my very best friend in the whole wide world.

When something funny happens, I look forward to telling you about it.

When my heart breaks, I can lean on your shoulder.

When something brings me joy, I share some with you.

6 years, 5 months, 16 days.

Doesn't it seem funny?

Remember how we used to wonder if we'd ever just be old enough to be together?

Remember how it lay in our own beds, talking on the phone for hours at night, wondering what it would be like to wake up next to each other?

(I never take waking up next to you for granted.)

Remember riding around listening to Chris Cagle in your white Plymouth Breeze?

You've been mine for 2,358 days, or 6 years, 5 months, and 16 days .

The best of my life.

Just because I love you.

In his element.

As a Mother, I have many times written about how I didn't know how much I was really meant to be a parent until I actually became one. I've written about how I feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing, and that it has put me exactly where I feel that I need to be. I've written about how I am just so in my element while doing this whole parenting thing.

But never ever have I told you just how well it suits my husband.

Don't get me wrong, I've always loved Toby for exactly who he is. He's kind of goofy, and he has a sarcastic sense of humor. Sometimes, if you don't know him, you might think that his humor is kind of mean. But, he doesn't intend it to be so. He's outgoing, and talkative, and easily excitable. He gets really wrapped up in his super duper awesome ideas and plans and tells me about them for days. He worries about his hair a lot. He's anal about his clothing. He demands nice socks and he wears the same pajama pants for far too long.

But he's my Toby, and I love him. Fiercely.

But enough about what I think about him, and more about he and Ian's relationship.

I never doubted Toby's parenting abilities before we had Ian, but I never knew just how wonderful he would be. From the day Ian was born, he was wrapped around his finger. He fell in love with him even faster than I did. He snuggled him up on his chest while we were in the hospital, and he stroked his little head. He kissed him a thousand times.

And then we came home. He fed him lovingly, changed his diapers

, gave him baths, and held him for hours and hours.

And then Ian grew bigger and bigger. And he taught him how to throw balls, and took him outside to play, and taught him about important things like which foods are good and which ones aren't.

But mostly, I just can't believe how wonderful he is. He is so naturally involved with Ian. He texts me and tells me how much he misses him while he is at work. He devotes time to him even when he is stressed to the max, and he never lets the stress get in the way of just being in the moment and playing with his son, which is something that I could learn from him. He's such a loving and caring father. He isn't the strong and silent type. He regularly tells Ian about how special he is to him, and about how much he loves him. He cuddles him, and tucks him into bed. He's everything I could have ever hoped for for my children, and so much more. He really enjoys being Ian's Dad every minute of every day.

And Ian gives him such drive and motivation. He always had hopes and dreams, but it wasn't until Ian came along that he truly found that he wanted to work for them in all of the right ways. He has accomplished more both personally and professionally in the 20 months since Ian's birth than in the rest of his life.

Fatherhood simply suits him. It looks good on him. It's kindasorta awesome.

Toby used to be "afraid" of tiny babies. He never wanted to hold them because he was nervous that he would hurt them or something. Today, he reached over and took a teeny-tiny 5 week old little boy out of my hands.

And now, he's coming down the hall after putting the boy to bed. He's been laying in his toddler bed with him, getting him to settle down.

//melt.

What if...

I read this today and it really called out to me. It's beautiful. When your done reading it, maybe you could head over to Prayers for Mason and check out their blog. Send their little miracle lots of prayers as he continues to grow and beat the odds every single day! Such a miracle!

What would happen if people with down syndrome ruled the world?

Affection, hugging and caring for others would make a big comeback.

All people would be encouraged to develop and use their gifts for helping others.

In our world, too often people with Down syndrome are “DONE FOR” by others, when in fact they are great givers. If they ran the world, their ability to minister to others would not be wasted.

People would be refreshingly honest and genuine.

People with Down syndrome are nothing if not straightforward and unpretentious. As the expression goes, “what you see is what you get.” When you say to people with Down syndrome, “You did a good job,” most will answer simply and matter-of-factly, “Yes, I did.”

We believe, too, that a stuffy high society would probably not do well in the world of Down syndrome.

However, we believe that BIG dress up dances would flourish. People with Down syndrome love dressing up and dancing at big shindigs. They have a ball, and ...can they dance! (and by the way, who needs a date... “Just dance”).

Most people we have met with Down syndrome also love weddings. This should not be a big surprise. They love getting dressed up, being with family and friends, having good food, and, of course, dancing until the wee hours of the morning.

Order and Structure would rule:

Schedules and calendars would be followed.

Trains and planes would run on time.

Lunch would be at 12:00. Dinner at 6:00.

Work time would be work time.

Vacation would be vacation.

But there is much, much more:

People would be expected to keep their promises.

Last minute changes would be strongly discouraged (if not considered rude and offensive).

Places would be neat, clean, and organized (not just bedrooms, but cities, countries, the whole world).

Lost and founds would go out of business

The “grunge look” would be out, way out.

“Prep” (but not pretentious) would be very big.

The words “hurry” and “fast” would be not be uttered in polite society. “Plenty of time” would take their place.

Our current mode of dealing with time, also known as the “Rat race” (or rushing around like our hair is on fire), would not survive.

Here and now would command a great deal more respect than it currently does.

Stopping to smell the roses would not be just a cliché.

Work would be revered, no matter what kind, from doing dishes to rocket science.

Speed would be far less important than doing the job right.

Work would be everyone’s right, not a privilege.

What About Self Expression?

Art and music appreciation would be BIG.

People would have time to work on paintings and other art projects.

Acting and theatrical arts would be encouraged for all.

Dancing

You probably would not hear a great deal about exercise, but you may hear a phrase like, “Dancing tonight ... absolutely.”

The President’s commission on physical fitness would probably recommend dancing at least 3 times per week.

People would be encouraged to get married several times to have more weddings for more music and dancing.

Richard Simmons and John Travolta would be national heroes.

Music

Elvis, The Beatles, and the Beach Boys would still be number 1 on the hit parade (Music of the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s would be BIG)

Musicals would be very, very, very, big (such as “Grease,” and “The Sound of Music”)

John Travolta would be the biggest star.

Television

Classic TV hits would be very BIG and take up at least half the TV schedules.

“I Love Lucy,” “Happy Days,” “The Three Stooges,” etc. would be very BIG.

Wrestling would be very Big.

“Life Goes On” would also be very Big and replayed regularly.

Movies

There would be fewer movies, but they would be replayed over and over.

Movie theaters would allow people to talk out loud to tell what happens next.

No Secret Agents

People would not hurt the feelings of others and they would also not lie or keep secrets.

Therefore there probably would be no secret service agents, spies, or terrorists.

From the National Association for Down Syndrome

Please continue to pray...

For the Mommy over at Another Day Stronger. I know that I've written about her before, but for some reason my heart keeps telling me to pray more, and to reach out to my readers again. I can't imagine the pain that she and her family have been dealing with since their Maddie grew wings.

Keep them in your thoughts and prayers over these next few months.

But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.

—Luke 18:16

God must have big plans for Miss Maddie.

I has a squishy-cheeked boy.

This is my squishy-cheeked boy.

He likes to wear his zebra-striped earmuffs that his grandma slone gave him.

But when he falls asleep in his carseat they slide down and squish his little cheeks.

And then his little lips stick out.

And then I have to kiss them. (have to)

...and then he wakes up and looks at me like I'm a crazy person.

"Mooommmm. Stop kissing me while I'm asleep"

Nope. Never. I loves you too much.

I had a moment today.

This afternoon I was standing the in kitchen, tackling the sink full of far too many dishes. We've all been sick and it feels like they are piling up around us. I'm usually the type of person who only lets a few things get dirty before I clean. A dirty house makes me antsy.

So, there I was, doing the dishes and selfishly wishing that everyone would just leave me alone for the day. My head was pounding, I couldn't stop coughing, and my stomach was flipping; a lovely combination of the flu and morning sickness. Just when I was thinking that it couldn't get much worse I turned around to see Ian playing with a couple of things that wouldn't fit into the into the trash can; two empty pop bottles, 3 small boxes, and a milk jug.

I opened my mouth to tell him no, but then I noticed how happy he was, and how good he was being. Then I just stopped to watch. I watched as he stacked them all like blocks, and how he played with them like a drum. He was so quiet, and so happy. And that's when I realized, why not let him play with them? He was just being a kid. And he wasn't really hurting anything at all.

That's when I realized that sometimes I take things too seriously. I don't let him play with the empty bottles next to the trash can because I like things nice and neat. I don't ever let him eat crackers in the living room because he might mash them into the carpet. I tell him not to wipe his little peanut butter hands on the table. But the truth is, sometimes I should let him. I own a sweeper, and a wash rag, and the bottles easily stack right next to the trash can again. Honestly, it isn't going to be like this for long. I know that I'm going to look back in ten years and I'm going to miss the sounds of his tiny feet running up and down the hallway. I'm going to miss just watching him be amused with the simple things, like empty boxes and pop bottles.

And that's when this song came to mind.



The truth is, how many phases have already flown by in the last 16 months? Pregnancy felt like it would never end, but now it seems so long ago, and I have embarked on the journey yet again. This time I know the savor it, and I know that though at times you just wish that it would end, but I know that in the long run it will just be such a sweet short phase that I'll wish that I could go back to every once in a while. I know how much I will miss being able to feel my sweet baby turning in circles in my belly.

And the newborn phase. The seemingly all night nursing sessions, and the constant quiet cry. At the time we were so sleep deprived, we thought that we would never make it through. Now I know how special those first few weeks were. And what of the phase before he could roll over, before he could crawl, before he could crawl, teething on his very first tooth, waiting for his first words, waiting for him to eat his first solids! So many phases are behind us already. It has all gone by so fast. Sometimes its hard to remember to stop and savor the moments that we are living in today.

This pregnancy has given me the chance to do just that. Sometimes I lay in bed and think about how I need to get everything I can out of these last months with Ian as my baby and not as my big boy. It's hard to imagine that 20 years from now, even if we have 10 children, Ian will still be our oldest. It's hard to picture him as anything but my baby.

I vow to stop and smells the roses more. I vow to let my baby be a baby while he still can, and to let my children be children, even if it means letting them play with the trash sometimes. =)

Always kiss your children goodnight, even if they're already asleep.

Today is my 21st Birthday.

Yep, that's right. My twenty-first birthday.

Funny how I've looked forward to this day since I was a teenager. I had always pictured a crazy night out, filled with many many drinks, and a few memories that I would very soon forget. So strange how things change.

So how did I spend my twenty-first birthday? Well, I woke up an hour earilier than normal (thank you Ian) and went with Toby and the Bean to renew my tags and get my brand new license. Waited in line at the DMV only to realize that I had to get back in the car and go home and get my current i.d. I cannot believe how forgetful I was. I returned the the DMV alone, fought with the woman about what my current address was (I don't even want to go into how extremely unintelligent this conversation was) and got my new license and tag renewal stickers. Spent 65.00. Yay birthdays. lol.
Then I came home, kissed my wonderful husband goodbye as he left for work, and kissed my wonderful son goodnight as he went down for his nap. Then I relaxed, watched tv, and played around on the computer. Then Ian got up, and we went outside and played. Honestly, this was the best part of my day. I love watching him toddle around the yard. He is just such a little man about it. He walks around with a look of determination. He acts like he is working or something. I am always saying "It's crazy how hard this kid can work at doing absolutly nothing". I can't describe it, he just works hard.

It was such a beautiful day to play outside with my bean.

Then we came inside and had Kissfest 2010.



And then we just hung around the house for a couple of hours. Ian played by himself on the floor. (He must have had enough of me during Kissfest) and I caught up on my episodes of Cougar Town.

And then we were off to Olive Garden. We arrived around 6:30. I then realized (around 6:31) that I had once again left my i.d. at home. A twenty-first birthday is a bit useless without an i.d. So, my mother went home to get it. We walk into the restaraunt and we are seated. Cue Ian crazy screaming fit...now. It was insane. He has this new bloody murder scream that is so loud, and so terrifying that people started getting out of the chairs to see if he was hurt. Managers actually came running. I felt so bad for everyone else there.

Fast forward to 20 minutes later. I am standing outside the Olive Garden, Ian is still screaming like mad man, and I am very sober, and trying not to cry. Five minutes later I am crying. His new screaming fits are really starting to get to me. This has been going on for several weeks and I don't know what to do. Anyway, moving on...

Eventually, my Mom took over the screaming boy so that I could go back inside and enjoy myself. He calmed down, came in, and we all had a nice dinner. My parents, Joel Jessi and Aiden, My Grandparents, and our friends Herbie and Kay (as well as Ian and I) all had a great dinner. Poor Toby missed out since he is currently working second shift. I missed him.
Then I ordered my very first legal drink. It was amazing. It was a mixed drink of wildberry mix, ice, and (my most favorite ever) Martini and Rossi Asti. Mmmm. I had two....and dessert.

My grandparents offered to take Ian for the night so that I could get a good nights sleep, so he went home with them. Then I came home and immediately put my pajamas on. That's all I wanted to do. So I've been laying in bed alone since about 8:30.

But you know what?

Every bit of it was perfect. Yeah, there were a few speed bumps, and it most certainly wasn't the 21st birthday I had always imagined, but it felt right. This year on my birthday, I find myself feeling very thankful for all of the love in my life. The love from my son. The love from my best friend, my husband. The love from all of my parents and grandparents. The love of our wonderful friends. I am surronded by such love. Everything just feels like it's falling into place.