Some wise words about natural childbirth.

I stumbled across this on the bump this morning. Someone said this is what their Mother had always told them about childbirth. It really just kind of jumped out at me. My natural birth experience was so amazing, it's hard to imagine that I was so afraid of the entire idea of a med-free birth before I actually did it. I truely didn't believe I could do it. But these words nicely sum up the simplicity of it all:

The female body knows how to get pregnant.

The female body knows how to be pregnant.

The female body knows how to get out of being pregnant.

If you are considering a natural birth, know that it's perfectly normal to freak out a little bit, and to think that you may not be able to do it. But chances are, you can. I'm not the pushy type about it though. I have no judgement towards those who choose not to go naturally. Do your thing. It's all good. But I highly encourage those who are not considering natural child birth simply because of fear to take a couple of moments to just stop and believe in themselves. You'd be amazed at what you can do when you let yourself try.

Alright, who wants to talk placentas?

It's strange that in this modern world that we are often afraid to talk about things that need to be talked about. That we feel ashamed to talk about things that we should be talking to each other about. One of those things is postpartum depression. Thousands and thousands of women suffer from it every year, yet, it still somehow remains taboo to many people.

Let's put this out here; I have suffered from depression in my life. I am not ashamed to talk about it.

I have dealt with depression twice in my life. Once was soon after I graduated from high school. The second time was soon after Ian was born. We'll focus on that.

Right after Ian was born, I felt weepy. I didn't like being alone, but I felt alone anyway. I thought that most of it would go away after the first few days, but it didn't. No matter what I did, or how happy I was, I felt intrusive and depressing thoughts attacking me. I had this perfect little boy in front of me, whom I loved with all of my heart, but still, I was unhappy.

After dealing with several months of this, I decided that it was time to go back and talk to my doctor about starting a regimen of antidepressants again. Soon, I began to feel better. But they always came along with their unwanted side effects. One of which is something many people describe as "brain zaps". It's basically something where everytime you blink, especially is you blink slowly, you feel this weird "zap" feeling in your head, right behind your eyes and in the top of your head. You wouldn't understand unless you have felt it.

After several months of weaning myself back off of the medication, I was med free again and doing very well for a long time. It's a learning process. You have to find out what works for you. A couple of months later, I conceived Vanessa-Kate.

I was overjoyed to be pregnant again. But realistically I knew that there was a very good chance that I would once again experience postpartum depression. While I am glad that antidepressants were there when I needed them, I hoped to never have to use them again. I didn't like the idea that I had to put something like that into my body just to feel normal again. I started searching for other options.

That's when I came across a post on a message board that I frequent. It was about placenta encapsulation. At first I was extremely put-off. For those of you who don't know, the placenta is an organ that connects the developing fetus to the uterine wall to allow nutrient uptake, waste elimination, and gas exchange via the mother's blood supply. Having your placenta encapsulized entails having it taken after birth, boiled, left in a dehydrator overnight, and then ground up and put into capsules, like vitamins.

Feel free to stop here if you feel grossed out, but I urge you to read on.

Lots of people know about the benefits of the placenta. Animals often eat it after they give birth because it is filled with nutrients that are wonderful for a the mothers recovering body. It also helps the mothers body to produce more milk. Every mothers placenta is different and is perfectly designed for her body. In other cultures, the placenta is eaten by the entire community in special stews and soups. In some cultures it is dried and smoked. Many people bury theirs near a special plant because it is so full of nutrients that it helps plants to flourish.

But I was in no way, shape, or form interested in eating my placenta. Ugh. Turns out, neither are most women in our culture. However, once I considered the idea of having my placenta made into capsules, I started to really warm up to the idea. Considering what is inside of many of the capsules that we take as medication...my own placenta didn't sound so bad. And I was willing to try just about anything to avoid postpartum depression again.

That's when I met Kelsi Meyers at a baby convention. Kelsi works with placenta benefits, which is the leading educator and provider of placenta services. Kelsi has four kids of her own. We chatted, and I decided to give it a try. Three days after Vanessa-Kate's birth Kelsi came to my home and prepared my placenta. Twenty-Four hours later I had 140 capsules. She made me very comfortable with the entire process and way truly a joy to work with.

(Actual pictures of my capsules.)

So, 7 weeks postpartum, how am I feeling?

The short answer is amazing. I am so far from PPD that it's not even funny. I had the "baby blues" and felt kind of weepy for 4 or 5 days after I had her. But since I started taking the capsules, I feel like I'm on top of the world. I honestly feel better than I have in my entire life. I spent $150, less than one months worth of my antidepressants would have cost to have this done...and I wholeheartedly believe it was the best money I have ever spent. You just can't put a price on being able to truly enjoy the first few months of your childs life without the overshadowing of PPD. My energy level is through the roof. I'm actually doing better than just surviving through the sleepless nights, I'm thriving. It's not something that is just for women who fear PPD. It's for all sorts of good reasons; a better energy level, a faster recovery, help with milk production, and fighting off the "baby blues".

Motherhood has made me so much more open to more natural life choices. Before I had Ian, I could care less about what I was putting into my body. But since that time I have found the value of more natural options; organic foods and body products, all natural remedies, chiropractic care (that's another post though), a drug free childbirth and, alas, placenta encapsulation. Holy moly, I think you might even be able to call me "crunchy" these days.

I will most certainly be having this done again next time, and I urge my readers to look farther into it. As I said, I was very put-off at first, but after talking with so many others ladies that have had such a good experience, and learning more about the process, I took a chance.

If you are interested in having your placenta encapsulized in the Columbus/Central Ohio area, please consider Kelsi Meyers.

If you would like to find a provider in your area or simply learn more about the benefits of the placenta, visit placenta benefits.

I'm so very happy that I took a chance on this, you could be too. =)

Update: I exclusively pumped breastmilk for Vanessa-Kate until she was about 4.5 months old. No matter how hard my lactation consultant and I tried, she did not latch well or for long periods of time. So I pumped, and I pumped, and I pumped some more. I really believe the capsules helped me to keep up my milk supply. But at 4.5 months, I decided to try to get Vanessa-Kate to latch. After some hard times, we got there. I breastfeed full time now. But right after I stopped pumping my milk took a bit of a dive. I took a few capsules again (I had stopped taking them at that point) and my milk bounced back up within 24 hours. Amazing.

Vanessa-Kate's Birth Story:

The Birth Story:

The morning of Wednesday July 20th Toby and I set off to go see my OB. My appointment was at 10:00 am. Once we got back to see her she checked my cervix and said that I was still at 5 cm. She then proceeded to strip my membranes, which wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as I would have expected. She said that she thought I would almost certainly be in labor within the next few days, but set an induction for August 1st (today!) just in case.

We left and went to my parents house, where Ian had spent the night before. Toby and I spent some time playing with Ian, and then Toby left for work early. I hung out at my Mom's house for the rest of the evening just in case I were to go into labor.

I had such high hopes for the membrane stripping, I was really banking on it working. But for the first couple of hours I just felt tired. Really, really tired. I tried napping, but I just couldn't. Then a terrible headache came over me and I was in a very negative mood. After a couple of hours with no signs of contractions, I started to feel very discouraged. So I sat down at the computer and played Zuma and sulked for a while. Then...it happened. I started feeling contractions. And whaddaya know, they were regular!

My mood lifted. So I went outside and watched Ian and Aiden play in the pool. I relaxed and kicked my feet up on the back deck. I told my parents that I thought that it was going to happen. I felt a peace come over me. The weather was beautiful, the sun had gone down just enough so that it wasn't too bright, and I was totally content. I watched Ian play, knowing in my heart that it was that last time I would see him as my one and only baby. It was such a strange moment for me. I could feel my heart both swelling with joy, and breaking apart as I watched him laugh and giggle while running around the back yard in the nude.

I called and warned Toby that he should keep his phone nearby. I told him that I thought I was in labor but that I was okay for the time being. My parents and I took off and went to get some fast food. My step-dad picked up his favorite pizza, because it was his birthday. I had Wendy's. Once we got back to the house I decided that it was time to go to the hospital. I had my Mom snap a picture of Ian and I together before we left. I couldn't believe he was about to become a big brother. So my Mom and I went to my house to grab some things that I would need. After arriving I realized I had left my keys. So we had to wait for Toby to come home and then we all left together. By this time the contractions were starting to become pretty painful and were about 5 minutes apart.

We arrived at the hospital and they checked my cervix. I was still at 5 cm. After two hours of monitoring, and lots and lots of very painful contractions, I was still 5 cm. So they told me that I was most likely in false labor and to go home until the contractions either got closer together, more painful, or my water broke. By this time the contractions were almost unbearable and I was exhausted. I told them that I would not be back until my water broke because I knew they weren't going to get worse. I have never had contractions so painful, even during my entire labor and delivery with Ian. I went home crying with a chip on my shoulder. I was angry and in lots of pain. I spent a few minutes crying just because I felt very helpless. We left the hospital at 2:00 am, July 21st.

We got home and I took a long hot shower and then tried to lay in bed. I tried to sleep, but it was too painful. I tried to focus on the television...but I can't tell you for the life of me what I was watching. After about an hour and a half I became very restless. I started pacing back and forth from my bedroom to the bathroom. I kept trying to go the bathroom, because I felt like I had to. Around 4:30 am, I had reached the end of my rope. The contractions were not getting any weaker, but they weren't getting any closer together. They were about 4-5 minutes apart. Toby was asleep so I called my Mom. I cried hysterically. I just wanted the pain to stop. I decided to go to her house and attempt to take a soak in the hot bath tub. I woke Toby up and off we went.

We arrived at my Mothers house around 5 am. I drew a hot bath and tried to relax. I stayed as calm as possible. I tried different positions. I told myself that if things didn't get better soon that I was going back to the hospital to beg them to make the contractions stop if they weren't real. My head was racing, and I felt an agonizing feeling that the pain would never end. I got on my hands and knees in the tub and it hurt a little less. But eventually, that started to hurt just as badly. So I got out of the tub and went into the living room.

That's when I hit "the wall". The icantfuckingdothisanylongerorimgoingtodie wall. Yeah. I was on my knees, leaning on to the couch, having my mom rub my lower back through my contractions. Through each contraction I started biting on to the pillow as hard as I could and muttering "I can't do this any more, I can't take this any more" over and over again. I couldn't stop crying. Then, I got up to go to the bathroom again. I was standing over the toilet, looking down, wondering how I was going to be able to sit through the pain. I bent my knees to sit and suddenly it was like a water balloon exploded. My water broke ev-er-y-where. The "burst" was so loud that I didn't have to announce what happened. Everyone knew. My first thought was "what do I do? Do I put my pants back on?". So I put my pants on and we were out the door.

As soon as my water broke the contractions were 1 minute (or less!) apart. I never understood what people meant when they said that they had the urge to push during labor. I thought that meant that they simply knew that it was time to push. Ha. No. What it meant was that you had to push right then and there. No options, and no control. The first contraction that came while I was in the car was the very worst. The urge came over me so unexpectedly, I didn't have time to brace myself. Before I knew it my body was pushing. HARD. I pushed out another big gush of fluid.

And then I felt it.

The "ring of fire".

This was something else that I never experienced with Ian. That's when I got scared. The only thing that I know about this is that when you feel the "ring of fire" it means that your baby's head is trying to come out. I was terrified. I told my Mom and Toby that I couldn't stop pushing, but I was too afraid to tell them about the burning. I don't know if I was afraid that saying it out loud would make it more real, or if I was just afraid that they would know how close I was to giving birth.

Between my Mother's house and the hospital I had between 8-10 contractions. The drive that normally would have taken us 20 minutes was made in less than 10. I pushed through 2 more of those contractions but was able to control myself through most of them. I was screaming hysterically though.

We pulled up to the hospital at 7:09. Toby grabbed a wheel chair and pushed me to the elevators, and we went up to L&D on the 3rd floor. As soon as got the nurses desk I told them that my water had broken and that I couldn't fight the urge to push any longer. They rushed me into Labor Room One (where I delivered Ian) and tried to get me to stand to put on the gown, but I couldn't because I was in the middle of a strong contraction. The nurse must have sensed that we didn't have much time left because she then basically threw me into the bed.

From there, it's a bit of a blur. I know that someone changed me into a gown, and put and IV in my arm. I remember looking up at an older nurse who had just checked my cervix. I remember her saying "She's fully dilated". That's when I panicked a little. I started telling her "I can't do this. I can't do this. My son took so long to deliver, I can't do this without drugs". She told me that she would be here very soon, it wouldn't take long, and that I had already been through the hardest part without the medication.

Then my legs were in the stirrups. They kept telling me not to push, that the doctor wasn't there yet. I kept telling them that I couldn't wait any longer. That's when a woman came into the room and put on a gown. She was smiling, and she made me feel calmer. There was just something about her. She came over, and they all told me to push. I pushed twice through the first contraction. It burned. Then the second contraction came. I pushed hard twice, and then they told me to slow down. I pushed more softly twice, and then she was born.

They pulled her out and put her up on me while they cleaned her. I saw all of her beautiful dark hair. I automatically was in love. The whole thing felt so much different than last time. It all just felt so much more real. I don't know if it was because it was my second time, or if it was because it all happened to fast and without any drugs. They told me that she was a girl. I was relived. I had not even stopped to think that she might be a boy.

They put her on the scale and told us that she was 8lbs and 3oz. They worked out getting my placenta out, which was actually pretty painful. So they gave me some pain meds through my IV. I kept bleeding. We could all tell that the doctors and nurses were getting nervous. A nurse came over and jabbed me in the leg with some pitocin and something to make me stop bleeding. Things got better from there. I felt great after having her in general though!

That's when my Mom walked into the room and saw me in the stirrups. She looked and me and said "She's pushing already?!". I couldn't even speak. I just pointed towards Vanessa-Kate, who was under the warmer with her Daddy. She couldn't believe it either. Vanessa-Kate was born just 16 minutes after she dropped me off at the front door. We all knew that she was coming soon, but not that soon.

All of our family and friends visited soon afterwards. They were all on their way to the hospital when they got word that she had already been born. My Grandma, Toby's Mom, brothers, brothers girlfriend were the first people there after my Mom. My Step-Dad brought Ian soon afterwards. He looked 2 feet taller than when I left him.

I'm so glad that we chose not to have an elective c-section. I think that I firmly proved that I couldn't give birth without issues. I labored at home, by myself, the majority of the time. I delivered her, completely med-free in just two contractions, and had NO tearing. I cannot tell you what an amazing experience it was. While I was terrified, I am so very glad that things went as smoothly as they did. Giving birth naturally made me feel like I could do anything. There is no experience as rewarding.

Mostly, I'm just glad to have a beautiful and healthy baby girl to add to our family.

We're a family of FOUR!

She's here!

Vanessa-Kate Annabelle Starr

Born July 21st 2011

at 7:25 am

8 lbs, 3 oz : 21.25 inches long

Dainty fingers and toes

Long dark hair like her Mommy

and a crying face that is the splitting image of her brothers

We all love her fiercely.

She is truly a joy.

More to come, promise. =)

No more C-Section!

I am very excited to say that I will (most likely) not be having a c-section. I say most likely because we are not planning to have one. But theres always the small possibility of an emergency c/s.

I met my new OB yesterday, the one who took over my old OB's practice and she was super nice. She took the time to talk to me about my concerns and she said that she 100% agrees with my feelings; that no decisions need to be made until we are in the delivery room. I should be able to deliver naturally, but if I cannot, we can change the plans. But theres no real reason to go ahead and schedule a c/s. Scorrrrreeee!

I also relived that I like her so much because that means that I get to stay at Licking Memorial for delivery. I really didn't want to have to change hospitals, so that's a big relief. I like the idea of a smaller hospital for a lot of reasons. It's more personal, I'm comfortable there (I had Ian there, my Mom & Grandma had their recent surgeries there, I had my surgery in September '10 there...) and it's easier for most of our family. Plus, I don't have to switch offices.

We also discussed my gestational diabetes. She said that compared to my charts from last pregnancy, my weight gain looks tremendous. I still haven't technically gained any weight. I'm 2 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight, however I lost quite a bit in the first trimester. But, I've been keeping myself in check. Hopefully that means a lot less issues with blood sugar this time. She also gave me the final push I needed to get a YMCA membership. I need regular physical activity. The only downside? If I end up needing medication to control my GD, I will not be able to take glyburide this time. Glyburide is a pill. There is new research that says it gives people a lot of troubles. So, if I need medication, I will be on insulin. I do. not. want. insulin. I like giving blood too much. If I am given insulin even once I will never be able to give blood again. =( That breaks my heart. So I'm going to do all that I can to stay med-free!

...and that's my super-duper update.

::Drum Roll Please::

The big news is...that it's a GIRL!

We couldn't be more excited! By the time we got to the ultrasound yesterday, I was already a nervous wreck. I do not do well with not knowing things. For the last few weeks before Ian's gender ultrasound I became nervous and anxious, and this baby was no different.

We arrived at the office about 5 minutes before our appointment. That's when I was informed that I had already missed my ultrasound. I had written down the time for my OB appointment...my ultrasound was 30 minutes before that appointment. Just when I thought we were going to have to reschedule, they squeezed me in.

We went back, I laid down, and we got to it. We measured the babys head, legs, arms, brain, kidneys and so on. They were all perfect. We counted 10 perfect little fingers and toes. Toes...which were perfectly tucked over her lady bits, leaving us to think that we still may not be finding out the gender. Then, just before the ultrasound ended she shot her legs out straight and showed us everything. She is a girl. And her name is Vanessa-Kate. Vanessa-Kate Brewer Starr.

We were so excited.

Then on the the appointment, which wasn't filled with good news. Firstly, my doctor has resigned and will no longer be practicing as of the end of the month. I was informed that this would be our last appointment. I am really upset about it because I really trust her. I'm picky about my doctors, and once I find one I stick with them forever. I don't like changes, and I really don't like having to go to a doctor that I don't know.

Next came even worse news; she strongly recommends that I do not even attempt a vaginal birth. This is truely heartbreaking to me. As you might remember, my birth story wasn't so great. Ian was stuck, crowning the entire time, while I pushed for over 4.5 hours. I bled significantly afterwards, and he suffered a skull fracture. While she knows that there is a chance that I would be able to give birth easily this time she doesn't feel that it is worth taking the risk of hurting my baby again.

The truth is, I trust her, and I know that she wants what is best for the baby. Generally, I'm one of those people who strictly follow doctor's orders, with little question. Maybe this is why I am so adiment about finding doctors that I trust and sticking with them. But my heart tells me that I can do this, and that I deserve at least a chance to see what my body can do, before I miss out on giving birth the way I had hoped to. I guess that after I had Ian, I had always hoped that someday I would get a second chance...a chance to have a positive birth experience.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about some all out, no drugs, walking around the hospital, giving birth in a pool type of thing. Hell no. Let me break it down for you again: Hell. No. If you've done that, good for you, that's truely awesome, but it's not my thing. I'm a big fan of pain meds. If they were on facebook...I'd "like" them for sure. Anyway, I just mean a chance to go into labor on my own, without the use of drugs, and to get a chance to push my baby out, the way it was meant to be.

My OB told me to stop and think about all of the women around the world who are still dying during childbirth. To think about how other women with my problem (not having the pelvic space to push out their baby) might not be as fortunate as me. Sometimes babies get stuck, somtimes they don't make it through birth. Sometimes the mother doesn't make it. That I should be happy that I live in a place where I can opt to have a c-section to avoid all chances of taking any of those risks. And she's right. I am happy. And I don't mind the idea of a c/s. Surgery doesn't scare me in the least. I don't mind recovering. I don't mind having a c/s if I have to. I guess I just feel like I deserve a fighting chance. But then I run the risk of having to choose an emergency c-section over a planned c-section , assuming things don't go to plan...and I'm just not sure that it is worth the risk.

I'm hoping I just need some time for the idea to really sink in. I'm not afraid in the least. Just let down. Really, really let down.

But...I'm having a healthy little girl. And that brings a little bit of sunshine to my day. Oh, that and I'm still not up to pre-pregnancy weight. Gaining healthily, but still where I'd like to be. =)

Giving Blood.

Today, I gave blood for the first time in over two years.

Starting at age 17, I started giving blood regularly. You can give blood once ever six weeks and you can bet that every six weeks I was eagerly sitting at the blood bank. I have always enjoyed donating to charity, but never had a lot of extra money to do so with, so I gave blood. It was my way of giving back. It made me feel good, but the reality of what I was doing never truly sank in with me.

Then in December of 2008 I found out that I was pregnant with Ian, and giving blood stopped. It bummed me out, but no big thing. However, I was really excited that I would be able to give again once I gave birth. No such luck. Many of you have read my birth story and know that it was a very long, hard, painful birth, followed by a large amount of blood loss and two full stitch kits. Two days after I gave birth, I took a turn for the worse. Suddenly I was very ill, and the room felt uneven. I couldn't hold my eyes open, and I couldn't put sentences together correctly without thinking long and hard. I knew something was wrong. I called in my wonderful post-patrum nurse and told her what was going on. She decided to check my iron levels once more, even though my numbers had already gone back up, and generally once they go after birth up they stay up. Sure enough, they were dangerously low. I had to have an emergency blood transfusion which lasted through the whole night, and I received two full pints of blood. The doctors said that had I waited a couple of more hours that I could have had numerous very serious complications, even as severe as death if left untreated.

So, a blood transfusion saved my life.

At that moment, the importance of giving blood really sank in with me. Suddenly it seemed so much more important. I used to give blood because it made me feel good about myself because I was donating. Now, I give blood because it saves lives; mine included. And I am proud to say that I officially joined the one gallon club today. I have given one full gallon of blood in my lifetime. That just boggles my mind. Excuse my language, but that just seems like a shit-ton of blood. So, after my 1 year wait period since my transfusion, I gave blood.

I urge you to give blood. Did you know that if just 1% more of the population gave blood regularly that we would fill our need for blood products for the foreseeable future? You can make a big different, please give it a try.

Birth.

I feel very nostalgic tonight. At this very time last year I was two hours away from meeting my beautiful baby boy. I need to write this. I need to share it. This is my birth story.

It was a friday afternoon, and Toby and I were on our way to my 39 week appointment with my OB. It was hot, and very humid. The drive there was exciting, because I had taken it so many times before, but I knew that this would be my last time that I would take it before I had my son.

The wait was short. The nurse called us in. We walked into the room, I took off my pants and put on my gown. Dr.Testa came into the room with a smile on her face. I could tell that she was happy for me. That was one of the best things about her, she always made me feel like she shared in my pregnancy, and my emotions along with me. She was a great doctor. She asked if I had been having any contractions. I said no.

She checked my cervix. She looked up at me and said "Are you sure you're not having any contractions, because you're like...7...a good 7". I couldn't believe it. I had been dilating for several weeks, and I knew that I was as far as 5...but 7?! So we set an induction date for Sunday August 16th at 6 :00 am. She told me that she doubted that I would make it to the induction date though, and that I was most likely already in labor. I told her that I was afraid to go in because they had been very rude last time I thought I was in labor but was not. Dr.Testa told me that if I felt anything that I should just go into L&D. She said that she would call ahead and tell them about me, and that even if I was not in labor, that she would keep me there and go ahead and start the induction.

I was so excited. I couldn't believe it. It was happening.

As we waited at the light to get out of the office parking lot my stomach filled with butterflies. We drove home. I told my Mom what the doctor had said, she couldn't believe that I was already 7cm either. I was very tired, so I went upstairs and laid down in my bed. I laid completely still to be sure that I wasn't having contractions. Ten minutes and 2 contractions later, I was out of bed and grabbing my hospital bag. It was time.

The plan was to leave the house, grab some food (because I knew that I wouldn't be able to eat once I got to the hospital), and then call my Mom and tell her that I had felt contractions while we were out. That way I could eat in peace, and get settled in at the hospital. We tip toed down the stairs. I opened the door, hospital bag in hand, and there was my Mom sitting on the couch. She said "whatcha doin'?". I smiled big...I couldn't lie.

She jumped up and started the car. Once we got in I told her that we had to stop at the Bob Evans next to the hospital because I was starving. I thought she was going to die. We pulled in, and I told her not to tell anyone that I was in labor so that no one would freak out. She did no such thing. The poor waitress was convinced that I was going to have a baby on her watch. I ate my cheesy baked potato soup, french fries, and rolls as fast as I possibly could.

I arrived at the hospital, rode the elevator up to the 3rd floor, and walked up to the L&D desk. I said "Hi, my name is Tabatha Starr, and I think I'm in labor". One nurse walked up to me and started to walk me back toward triage. Another nurse ran up to her and said "No, no, no honey. Testa called about her. She gets a room NOW." I loved my doctor in that moment.

They showed me into room number 1. I changed, got in the bed, and a nurse promptly came in and checked my cervix. She said that I was between 7 and 8. Things started happening really quickly from that moment on. I was surrounded by 4 nurses, all of which who were poking needles in me. Some we checking my blood sugar, some we're starting an IV, and some were just poking me for fun... I think. Everyone was afraid that Ian was getting ready to come out very soon, and I had to have an IV for an hour until I could get my epidural. I was not giving birth without that epidural. No way, no how.

I made it past the hour point without more dilalation. The doctor came in and explained the epi and everything related to me. I sat up on the bed to get the shot...and that's when it hit me. The entire time that I had been pregnant I had not felt an ounce of fear. I never felt that I was not ready to be a parent. But at that moment nine months worth of fear hit me like a brick wall. It was real, he was coming, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was terrified that I was not ready to be a mother. I was sobbing while he was giving me the epidural. He kept asking me if he was hurting me, and I said no. I kept telling Toby that I wasn't ready. The doctor asked "are you not ready for the epi?" and I said "No...I'm not ready to be a parent.", which was followed by more sobbing.After the epi was in, I didn't calm down much. It was too strong, and I couldn't breath right. It went clear up into my chest. I started to get very uncomfortable, and I hadn't been before the epidural. I started to regret getting it at all. I felt sick to my stomach and the whole room felt like it was spinning. Up came the cheesy baked potato soup. It was so horrible. The epi was still too strong, so I couldn't sit up to puke. It all kept falling back onto my face. The nurse ran over and sat me up, and started holding her hands under my mouth. Then she called Toby over, where I continued to puke into his hands. It was a good moment for everyone.

From that point on things got better for a long while. My epi calmed down, I visited with friends and family, and watched some movies. We watched I love you man, and Across the Universe. Around 4 or 5 the doctor came in and broke my water, which felt amazing. It was like losing 10 years worth of pee at once.

Around 9:00 I was finally at 10 cm, and ready to push. He started crowing after the 2nd push. The nurse said that she could see his hair. She called Toby over, and he told me that he could see it as well. I was convinced that Ian would be here any minute. But it seemed like I made no progress. Everyone kept telling me that I was crowing, but after an hour or so I began to think that they were lying to me because he just would. not. come. out. Around 10:30, things really started to go downhill. My epi started to run out, fast. I called told my nurse, who called in another nurse to check it. She squeezed the line as hard as she could and got out literally one damn drop, looked at me and said "see, it's not empty". I was pissed. She was the same nurse who had been so terribly rude to me while I was in false labor before. She was wrong. The epi was completely worn off within the next 10 minutes.

I had been pushing for well over two hours at that point, and I. was. pissed. My nurse had already sent for more epi fluids, but she wasn't coming. That's the point where I held my legs up and said "Do you see this? An hour ago you had to lift my legs for me...and now I can do this!!" **I shake my legs in the air** And then I screamed "THIS...IS...BULLSHIT!". My Mother and Mother-In-Law later told me that it echoed clear down the hallways and that everyone could hear it. The said that it took everything in them not to start laughing at me. Though it's funny now, it was so not funny then. They got me more epi juice after that.

So then I started pushing my epi button as often as possible. I was now over 3.5 hours of straight pushing, with him crowning the entire time. I didn't think I could make it any longer. I kept telling Toby that I just couldn't do it any longer. I have never felt that kind of pain, exhaustion, and hopelessness. I honestly believed that every push was going to be my last, not because he was finally going to come out, but because I was going to run out of energy. I was terrified, and I felt an emergency c-section was in my near future. But some how I kept pushing. Still to this day I do not know how I did it. But I did. And after 4.5 hours of pushing, I gave birth to my baby boy.

And that's what is known as the "oh shit" moment.
Me, Toby, My Mom, and My Mother In Law saw Ian. He was scary. He was huge, and swollen...and prepare yourself, because I'm going to honest...ugly. In that moment we were all thinking the same thing, "oh shit". Turns out that he was just terribly swollen from crowning for so long. He was stuck under my pelvic bone for hours. The pressure actually fractured his skull. When his skull finally gave, he was born. It is all healed fine now. And 12 hours after he was born, he was adorable.
My initial thoughts were all shock. Labor had been so hard, and so draining. When I looked at him I just saw how big he was, and at 8 lbs, 8oz, and very swollen to boot, he looked huge. I couldn't help but thinking that all of my pain had been caused by how big he was. My entire body was shaking violently, and I was coming down off the epidural hard. I couldn't even move. They cleaned him up, and stitched me up. I don't know how many stitches they gave me, but I remember the doctor saying that there was a lot of blood, and taking out a 2nd stitching kit. It was all a blur. I couldn't focus on one single thing. I just remember asking for a sandwich.

Then they brought him over to me. I wanted to badly to hold him, but I couldn't get my arms to do it. I was so weak. I tried to lift them to reach for him, but I couldn't move them. So my Mom laid him up against my chest, wrapped my arms around him, and held me, so that I could hold him. I kept repeating "That's my baby, that's my baby" softly. I was in utter shock. I can't say it was love at first sight because I couldn't think. I was just shocked.

I remember feeling happy as other people came in and held him. I started to really feel the love when I saw Toby holding him. Within the next 2 hours I was feeling pretty good. I nursed him, I stood up by myself, and they wheeled me to my room. Toby fell asleep soon afterwards, and then it was just me and my baby. As I laid in my bed, I looked at him. I stroked his face. I held his cheek to mine. I smelled his sweet breath. It smelled like so sweet. I will never forget that smell. That's the moment that I fell in love. I bursted into tears. He was all mine, forever. I had given birth to him. All of that pain had been worth it.

I looked down at him as he latched on for the second time, and I was just in awe at the miracle that is life. I was amazed that we were able to create him out of love. I was amazed that he was real, and the he was here. I was amazed that the baby that I had carried for 9 months was now in my arms. I was amazed that I was giving him nourishment from my own body. I was just amazed at everything that was my Ian.

And I have been amazed since.

Ian Parker Starr

Born August 15th 2009

12:32 AM

8 lbs, 8 oz, and 20.5 inches long

We didn't know what love was until we met you.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy.