Thursday, March 3, 2011

::Drum Roll Please::

The big news is...that it's a GIRL!

We couldn't be more excited! By the time we got to the ultrasound yesterday, I was already a nervous wreck. I do not do well with not knowing things. For the last few weeks before Ian's gender ultrasound I became nervous and anxious, and this baby was no different.

We arrived at the office about 5 minutes before our appointment. That's when I was informed that I had already missed my ultrasound. I had written down the time for my OB ultrasound was 30 minutes before that appointment. Just when I thought we were going to have to reschedule, they squeezed me in.

We went back, I laid down, and we got to it. We measured the babys head, legs, arms, brain, kidneys and so on. They were all perfect. We counted 10 perfect little fingers and toes. Toes...which were perfectly tucked over her lady bits, leaving us to think that we still may not be finding out the gender. Then, just before the ultrasound ended she shot her legs out straight and showed us everything. She is a girl. And her name is Vanessa-Kate. Vanessa-Kate Brewer Starr.

We were so excited.

Then on the the appointment, which wasn't filled with good news. Firstly, my doctor has resigned and will no longer be practicing as of the end of the month. I was informed that this would be our last appointment. I am really upset about it because I really trust her. I'm picky about my doctors, and once I find one I stick with them forever. I don't like changes, and I really don't like having to go to a doctor that I don't know.

Next came even worse news; she strongly recommends that I do not even attempt a vaginal birth. This is truely heartbreaking to me. As you might remember, my birth story wasn't so great. Ian was stuck, crowning the entire time, while I pushed for over 4.5 hours. I bled significantly afterwards, and he suffered a skull fracture. While she knows that there is a chance that I would be able to give birth easily this time she doesn't feel that it is worth taking the risk of hurting my baby again.

The truth is, I trust her, and I know that she wants what is best for the baby. Generally, I'm one of those people who strictly follow doctor's orders, with little question. Maybe this is why I am so adiment about finding doctors that I trust and sticking with them. But my heart tells me that I can do this, and that I deserve at least a chance to see what my body can do, before I miss out on giving birth the way I had hoped to. I guess that after I had Ian, I had always hoped that someday I would get a second chance...a chance to have a positive birth experience.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about some all out, no drugs, walking around the hospital, giving birth in a pool type of thing. Hell no. Let me break it down for you again: Hell. No. If you've done that, good for you, that's truely awesome, but it's not my thing. I'm a big fan of pain meds. If they were on facebook...I'd "like" them for sure. Anyway, I just mean a chance to go into labor on my own, without the use of drugs, and to get a chance to push my baby out, the way it was meant to be.

My OB told me to stop and think about all of the women around the world who are still dying during childbirth. To think about how other women with my problem (not having the pelvic space to push out their baby) might not be as fortunate as me. Sometimes babies get stuck, somtimes they don't make it through birth. Sometimes the mother doesn't make it. That I should be happy that I live in a place where I can opt to have a c-section to avoid all chances of taking any of those risks. And she's right. I am happy. And I don't mind the idea of a c/s. Surgery doesn't scare me in the least. I don't mind recovering. I don't mind having a c/s if I have to. I guess I just feel like I deserve a fighting chance. But then I run the risk of having to choose an emergency c-section over a planned c-section , assuming things don't go to plan...and I'm just not sure that it is worth the risk.

I'm hoping I just need some time for the idea to really sink in. I'm not afraid in the least. Just let down. Really, really let down.

But...I'm having a healthy little girl. And that brings a little bit of sunshine to my day. Oh, that and I'm still not up to pre-pregnancy weight. Gaining healthily, but still where I'd like to be. =)

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