Monday, January 17, 2011

Tomorrow is a big day.

...and I'm a big mess.

Tomorrow morning is the big ultrasound that we've been waiting on. At 12:45 we will have a 4D ultrasound performed by a doctor who specializes in Maternal-Fetal heath, followed by a consultation about what the ultrasound shows. I am so thankful to be having this done at a hospital that has a wonderful department full of professionals who specialize in high-risk cases.

I just can't help but feel like I am about to hear news that I really don't want to hear.

With my pregnancy with Ian, I was blessed to have most things go smoothly. I didn't have any major scares, and things progressed the way that they were supposed to. I never had any fears or doubts that I wouldn't get to deliver him. I always just knew that I would have him, and that was that.

But things are so different now. So scary. So filled with uncertainty.

I think the worst part is that I don't even have a clue as to why my placental area might be swollen. Through all of my research I have yet to find even a single mention of such thing. I feel so in the dark. Not to mention, the constant bleeding. I know, bleeding here and there during pregnancy is pretty normal, especially in the first trimester. But have small amounts of blood most not. I am reminded most every. single. day. that this pregnancy is not normal by the blood tinges. I hate not knowing what is going on inside of my body. I hate not being able to protect my baby. I hate that I have no idea if things are going to be okay. I hate not knowing. I hate not planning. Mostly, I hate that I'm so anxious about it all of the time. I anxiety has made it nearly impossible to find any joy within this pregnancy thus far.

I thought that I would know more by now. I'm almost into my 2nd trimester...and still no more sure about things than I was on that night that I first saw those two lines pop up on the EPT. I despise the uncertainty.

My biggest fear? Going in and seeing that I've already lost my sweet baby. I can't imagine. And to be honest, I don't think that I could do it again. We want another child...but I don't think I have it in me to go through the sickness, and the uncertainty again anytime soon, if, heaven forbid, I should have to start over again. I know that I should be staying positive, and to a certain extent, I am. But that doesn't change that I know that there is a real possibility that things could take a turn for the worse. I've seen it happen to too many people, too many times.

One of the hardest parts about dealing with all of this is that there is no one to talk to. Sure, I have tons of wonderful and loving people who are willing to listen, but most of them just spew out ten tons of positive thoughts after I let it all out. They tell me that "everything will be okay" and that I "have to stay positive". The positivity is great, and I know that they are all trying to be helpful, but sometimes I just wish that someone would look at me and say "I know the uncertainty must be hard for you, and I understand why you feel the way that you do."

Alas, only tomorrow will tell. Please keep us, and our little gummy bear in your thoughts.

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