Trying.

I've written before that I've dealt with depression at a point or so in my life. The first time I ever experienced it was soon after I graduated from high school. Things started slipping quickly down hill, out of the middle of no where. All through school I had been smart. I was the girl who loved her biology class, and skated through with an A+ while the rest of the class struggled. I had a lot of hopes and aspirations for college.

Then things spun out of control. My hair started falling out. I put on weight like crazy. I slept...a lot. I didn't believe in myself. Before I knew it I just started looking for the path of least resistance. I gave up my dreams and started looking for the fastest and easiest way to get through college. Before I knew it I was doing things I didn't even want to do. And I was failing at those things. I dropped out one too many times. I failed classes. I got behind.

Since then, so much has changed. Firstly, I have great joy in my life. I am the farthest from depression that I have ever been. I feel fulfilled. I feel confident. I am myself again.

I'm about to graduate from college. Sure, it's not my bachelors degree. It's an associates degree in business. But I'm finishing it, with no doubts in my mind. I've put forth effort and applied myself. I have good grades, and I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I can finish something that I have started.

But, business is not my passion. It is a road that I started down when I just wanted to make things easy. My passion lies in healthcare. I've always wanted to do something in that field, most likely nursing. In recent times I have heard a calling to become a midwife. My eyes have been opened to how rewarding giving birth can be. I could go on and on about this, but the point is that I would love the work and I know that I could help women to have the birth experience that they deserve to have...and that experience is life changing.

So, I've decided that after graduation I will continue going to school part time. First I will take a few classes so that I can apply to the nursing program. Then apply to get into the RN program. From there get my BSN. And the midwifery school.

But...I'm almost afraid to tell people about my aspirations. What if I fail like I have before? What if I truly try...but I'm just not smart enough? It's so hard to fully believe in myself again. Deep down I know that I can do these things, but it's so hard to let go of my past failures. I am my toughest critic.

I'm planning to take it step by step. Take the pre-nursing classes. Focus on them. Don't worry about the next step until you get there. Then apply to the RN program. I'm going to do my best to take everything one step at a time...because that's all we really can do. I'm going to try. And that's a big step for me.

Here's to trying, wholeheartedly.