Tonight, I held both of my children. Vanessa-Kate slept sweetly in my left arm. He breath was quiet, but audible. Her little lips keep twisting into a crooked smile. Ian sat quietly in my right arm, stroking my thumb nail and watching the television. His left hand softly held Vanessa-Kate's hand.
It was one of those moments where happiness meets sadness.
Do you ever have those moments? It's not that I'm actually sad, in fact, I'm quite happy. It's just conflicting emotions.
Happy to be living such a beautiful moment, but sad that you know just how fast this time will pass.
Happy that you are holding them, but sad that you don't get to spend more time doing just that.
Happy to be making the memories, but reminded of those that have already passed.
And, while it's not truly sadness, feeling that solemn happiness that is so happy that it makes you cry. The kind of happiness where you watch you sleeping child and suddenly, without your permission a tear runs down your cheek. Where do those tears come from, and why do they always seem to sneak up?
I suppose solemn is a good word to describe what I'm feeling, much better than sadness, because I am not sad. Not even a little bit. But, so filled with happiness and deep, heart-wrenching love that it makes me want to cry.
As I held both of my children tonight, Vanessa-Kate in my left arm, and Ian in my right, I cried...just a little. I thought of how deeply blessed that I am. I felt a great sense of God, and all that he has given me. There is such heartache in the world...and such pain. But somehow, I am surrounded by these two beautiful babies that he has blessed me with. And I get to spend every. single. day. by their sides. I don't take that for granted. I have known too many mothers who don't get to experience that. So many mothers who don't get to hold their children because they are no longer here on earth. And yet, God has given me two, and for this I am so grateful. It is these kinds of thoughts that go through my head when happiness meets sadness.
It is nights like tonight when you can fully feel how fragile life really is. Here one moment, and gone the next, for all of us. It's moments like holding both of my children, Vanessa-Kate in the left arm, Ian in the right, that makes life worthwhile.