So, can I talk about something super weird for a second?
I can't wear tennis shoes.
It's not that I have uber weird feet and they don't fit. It's not that I find them to be (physically) uncomfortable. It's not that I can't find a pair that I think are cute. It's not that I can't afford to buy a pair. It's not that I live in some super weird area where tennis shoes aren't sold or something. I just can't do it.
When I wear tennis shoes I feel huge. Not just fat, not just tall, just huge all over. Like, scary amazon women from the jungle huge. And awkward. I feel super awkward. Like everyone in public thinks I'm a huge idiot. Every once in a good while I tell myself that I'm just being silly, that tennis shoes are no big deal. I give myself a little pep talk, get pumped up, and I leave the house in them. Those days always end up badly. I kick myself all day long. I feel self conscious. I get home, take them off, and swear to never touch them again.
It's not that I feel super huge all of the time. Don't get me wrong; between a thyroid meltdown 3 years ago and then 2 pregnancies in 2 years, my body isn't what I wish it could be. But I'm working on it, and I'm okay with who I am. I don't feel like a big ugly freak all of the time. In fact, in the last year or so I have taught myself that it's more important to remind myself of what I like about the way I look rather than beating myself up over the things that I don't like. I try to look in the mirror and tell myself one thing I like about myself everyday. Sure, there are things I don't like about myself; my hair never looks the way I want it to, I'd like to loose a few pounds, my mouth is huge, and my eyebrows grow at the speed of light. But, I can remind myself that I like my nose, I have nice skin, and my teeth are very white.
It's not a confidence issue. In fact, I have felt this way about tennis shoes since I can remember. Even back in freshman year of high school when I weighed all of 110 pounds and wore a size 2, I felt like a freak in tennis shoes. I avoided them like the plague. But I had to wear them for cheerleading. I always felt like people were staring at me. Those shoes were the worst. Not only were they tennis shoes, but they were the worst kind of tennis shoes; bulky. Ugh.
This weekend I went to DSW in an effort to get over my problem...also to spend my $15off any purchase coupon, lol. I looked at a million pairs, trying each of them on. But nothing felt right. After over an hour, I left discouraged, coupon still in hand. I almost bought the pair in the picture...but I just couldn't do it. So, I've decided that I'm going to go back to DSW by myself soon. I'm going to spend extra time getting ready that morning. I'm going to wear something that makes me feel good about myself. I'm going to go, shop, and take my time. And I'm not coming home until I own a new pair of tennis shoes.
Here's to hoping that they don't end up collecting dust in the back of the closet.
Also, what the hell is wrong with me?