Some nights, I just get this way. It creeps up on me. I was just sitting here watching television, wishing that I could fall asleep, and BAM, it hits me.
I don't know how it started, but I started thinking about what the death of a loved one would be like, and before I know it my heart is racing and pounding through my chest. I become overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and anxiety, as if it actually just happened. And then the worst part comes...the visual images I see in my mind. I see what death looks like. I see the people that I love most limp, and lifeless. I run to them, and I lift them up, and shake them. But nothing helps. There is just nothing there. They are lifeless.
I can't grasp it. I have such a horrible time grasping the idea of death. Every single aspect of it absolutely terrifies me... the fact that it's inevitable and that no one escapes it, the fact that it is irreversible, the fact that it is so permanent, the fact that it sneaks up...and the fact that it can be so slow. I can't face the idea of death. I can't handle it.
For so long, I have done so well. It used to bother me a lot as I was growing up. Then, somehow, I found a way to put it out of my mind for the most part. And I guess that made me think that I hard somehow dealt with the issue. It honestly hasn't snuck up on me like this in months and months. But tonight...it's here.
I know that this can't be healthy. I know that it probably connects to the anxiety and depression issues that I have dealt with in my life...but I just don't know how to deal. If I don't work this out, I am honestly going to go into a long term depression the first time I loose someone close to me. I am afraid that I will never make it through.
I also have a hard time dealing with my own mortality. I know that I need to find a way to deal with this. I have felt for so long that I have slowly drifted away from parts of my faith. It's so strange, because I so strongly believe that there is something out there, a God, and that he loves me, and that he creates miracles. But I so deeply struggle with the idea of an afterlife, as well as heaven and hell. I can't bring myself to believe in it strongly enough to feel comfortable with the idea that there is an afterlife, and that it is good...yet I somehow believe in it strongly enough that I am terrified of it's existence. It's all so conflicting.
I just have to pray that this is God's way of bringing me back to him...but I don't know where to start. I need to talk to someone, who can help me sort of these confusing and conflicting emotions. Then again...I don't feel like I ever really and truly drifted away from God either. None of it makes any sense.
I'm still sitting here worrying. I am worrying that the people I have been worrying about have already passed this evening because I pictured it. When I put it into words it just sounds silly...but it doesn't feel silly. I'm sorry for the rant...I just had to get it out.
So... I guess I will continue to sit here, in the middle of the night, with the lights on, and the tv turned way up, and cuddling my baby and my husband and tight as I can while they snooze...all because it makes me feel safer and more alive...and further from death?