Sometimes I forget that there was life before I found out that I was pregnant with Ian. Sometimes I look at pictures of myself before I got pregnant, and it looks like someone else. It all seems like a dream. I don't believe that a person should lose all ties to their old self when they become a parent, but it's funny how much you change so quickly. It seems like I wasn't complete until I found my family. I loved being young, and having independence, but nothing beats having a family that you love, and that returns that love. I have never felt so complete.
It's days like today, when my son looks into my eyes and gives me that goofy smile, and when my husband comes home and hugs me tight and tells me how much he loves me, that make me so glad that I have them. It makes everything seem brighter, and more vibrant.
Having a family makes me feel closer to God. Religion has always been a struggle for me. There are days where I wonder if I truly believe or if I simply wish to believe. I know that I want to wholeheartedly believe that there is a God out there, and most of the time I do. I guess sometimes it's all just hard for me to grasp. I wonder if it's enough to get me in to heaven. I find myself thinking about these things more and more now that I have Ian. I want to know that I will be able to have a life after this life, where I will be able to watch over him, and see him again one day, even after I'm gone. Though I still occasionally struggle with religion, Ian makes me feel like there has to be a God out there. If there wasn't...I would not be able to create something as beautiful, wonderful, sweet, and perfect as my son. My son. That my husband and I created. It's amazing.
Birth is truly a miracle, and I don't feel like that's something that you can fully understand until you experience it. I know that I surely did not understand until I gave birth to Ian. Those 15 hours were the most horrible, terrifying, painful hours of my life... but I often reflect on them as some of the most cherished memories. It's funny how things work like that.
You should check out this song. The part about "seeing a babies heartbeat on an ultrasound" makes me cry every. single. time. It's a beautiful song.
I don't want it to sound like I'm not religious... it's just that I don't buy into a lot of the hype of what it means to be a christian in modern society. To me, being a christian is about being a good person, and believing that there is a higher power, which sacrificed so that we may be here today. Christianity is not about pretending to be better than other people, and using your religion to cover up your bad choices. I feel like people all too often use "God told me to do it", or "God forgives me for what I have done", just so that they can justify the horrible things that they have done. That is not what God should be about.
Then sometimes I wonder if God would approve of me, because of the opinions that I have formed. For me, I believe that we were not put on this earth so that we can judge others. I like to think that I am not a judgemental person. I don't care about race, color, creed, religion, or anything of the support. I support gay marriage, I am pro-choice, and I believe in the freedom of religion, because I feel like it is my job as a person to love and support others, and it is God's job as a superior being to judge people. Why would I ever feel that I am in the position to judge others? I guess that's one of the major problems I have with so called "Christians" today. What makes them think that not allowing certain types of people to worship in their church is doing God's work? I thought God was all about loving your brothers and sisters.
I guess that this has started to become a rant.
Oh well, it is what it is.
Goodnight, and sleep tight.