Money.

The older that I grow, the more I learn to hate money. It just complicates everything. It causes stress, and tension. And it seems so often that there are so many good, loving people who don't have any at all. I know that money isn't everything... but lots of it would sure make things easier.

Money complicates my living situation. Money complicates my hopes, my dreams, my future plans...and I don't even want a fancy lifestyle. I want a modest house, where I can raise my children, and not have to worry about putting food on the table. Someplace where we can focus on loving each other, and enjoying life. Maybe take an occasional vacation, or take the family out to dinner, order in pizza, rent a movie. In fact, an average middle class lifestyle is exactly what I want.

Things have been so tight lately. We really needed another car since our old one finally crapped out on us. So we found an amazing deal on a 2002 Mercury Mountaineer, which was exactly what we wanted. It was a steal at one 4000 dollars. So, we applied for a loan. The bank turned us down, stating that we had great credit, but that they didn't give loans on anything over 100,000 miles (our car had 120,000). So, my wonderful grandmother gave us 3000, we put in the 1000 cash we had, and we have been paying her 300 a week for 10 weeks. We still owe her 150.00 because I had to cut a payment in half once when Toby had called off work twice in one week for being sick. So that, on top of getting royally screwed by ITT Tech, whom we owe over 5000 which we were never informed about...it's been a little rough. We almost dug out of it, and back to saving again...but it feels like a never ending cycle sometimes.

Then, tonight I had to go buy some last minute things for the boys birthday party, which has been another temporary extra expense.

I also found out today that some good friends of ours are having some very hard times. They have 9 children...yes, that's right, 9 children. 4 are his, 3 are hers, and 2 are theirs. So things are generally tight for them. Well, he has been injured and put on "light duty" at work. When he got his paycheck it was for less that 1/3 of what he usually makes. They are afraid that they can't even afford to make the 20 minute drive to the boys party, which they and their kids have really been looking forward to. We are going to drive out and pick them up. I just feel so horrible. They are good people, who work hard, and take care of their children. It's just not fair.

I'm doing what I can for them, but I'm broke too. I bought them 2 loafs of bread, a pack of cheese slices, a giant bag of animal crackers, and 4 cans of tuna tonight at the store. It breaks my heart to know that they may not be able to eat this week. I wholeheartedly wish there was more that I could do. I feel absolutely helpless when I can't help the people that I love.

Money sucks. It really really does.